Back and Forth

So I play music on my own, but think about playing with others, get excited, put an add on Craigslist, get some responses, get excite, write back, freak out, and then blow the whole thing off. Why do I do this? At basic it sounds pretty simple, I love music, jamming with people sounds fun, it's freeing to me, I want to improve as a guitarist and music writer, I feel it may be fun to play with others, I have dreams of being in a band. What's wrong with that? I don't know, it's what I'm trying to figure out. Why do I freak out? Why do I go back on it? I think that on a deep level I'm afraid of what God might think of me. I afraid that if I have too much fun, or invest too deeply into music, that I won't have time for God or that he'll be disappointed that I'm not spending enough time with Him. So I cut out music, in order that I may maybe spend more time with Him, or be more connected with Him, only to get tight and not enjoy life so much. Oh it may work for a few days, but then I always come up feeling tight or unengaged. Music is scary to me, but that's partly why I love it so much. It's unpredictable. You can't put a lid on it. You can't set boundaries upon it. A heartfelt cry can be heard among the lament of a song. But the very thing that attacks me to it, the unpredictability of it, the spontaneity of, the raw release of emotions, also scares me. Growing up, I believe that part of the atmosphere I was raised in implied that emotions are to be controlled, put in order, defended against, not let out. They are to be quantified and kept at check at all times. Not too fun. Not too healthy either. But what if God made me musical? What if it is Him who draws me through the raw, naked, honest expression found in music? What if it is His spontaneity that draws me into music. What if emotions are not to be stuffed, but expressed, shared, connected with and also inviting others to connect with. Be present to the moment and honest in the moment seems to demand this. And God is the moment, the present. I need not fear music, or enjoyment. For in these moments I am free, and I am more grateful to him, happier, connected and in harmony with the universe he has created. This has been a process for me, and one I still wrestle with. I thank those who have encouraged me to live into freedom, encouraged me to be myself, encouraged me that this is all God wants. I hope that I'm always honest with myself, and don't seek to not be driven by fear. So what does this mean about my problem of putting out adds and then freaking out. I think it means more that the freak is a lie, rather than the desire to have fun. God help me to dare to live into your freedom.

Tragedy

Today I learned of a great tragedy. It seeks to destroy me, as it did him. The rage moves on. Is it the loudest voice in the universe? It took him, it has taken others, it may try and take again. What must I do in the face of such tragedy. Certainly not succumb to it. But I need to feel it, otherwise I may brush over it too quickly, not take it in, not hold it with the compassion it deserves. God give the grace to hold it, with your help, without judgement, without condemnation, without acts of rage, without retaliation, without hate. Use even this grave event, an event even this dark, to bring about reception in my soul. For out of death can come life. I don't know how much pain he was in. I don't know how many smiles he had to glue on to his face. Be present, of love that flows through the universe, we need you Jesus. Teach me how to process such things, how to let it affect me with consuming me. So much pain in this world. And today, I heard of a school shooting too. When will it stop. Are there voices of peace amidst the agony? I hold on to the good passed on to me, I hope I have the strength to pass on good to the next. It's difficult when the tragedy seems so pressing, so prevalent, so grave, so large. Oh world, let us leave our differences aside. May we come together to comfort rather than confront. May we lay down arms, and join hands. I need love just like you. You just like me. Our nations are but illusion, you have a human heart just like me. Our differences are to be celebrated, not killed. Country rages against country. Retaliation rules the day. Our different languages don't mean different meaning, different value, different needs. I don't understand you, but I want to, please help me to understand, as I want to be understood. Peace not pressure. Violence has already spoken, we have heard, we're just tired of what it says. We are ready for something else. Aggression stop now. Reprogram our societies, our nations, our peoples, our hearts with love. So that love can give birth to more love. So that our children can have it better than we did. Let's see how far love can go, we owe it to ourselves. We owe it to our children. Grace.