Song Called Fade Away

Sometimes (dark musings)

Sometimes, the cold feels more normal.  Sometimes, the deep feels shallow, the up down and the right wrong.  I have to tell the truth, I cannot lie.  Lying may have been, but shall not be.  I try and lift myself up by the bootstraps, only to find I'm not strong enough, only to find my musculature doesn't have the energy.  I fear what I say, as in I have to pretend to be perfect.  I desire fluidity, for my desires, wants, needs, wishes, body to resonate as one.

One day, far away, but becoming towards me, I will not say one thing and think another, I will not dream one thing and settle for another.  Sometimes my inconsistencies seem to get the best of me, sometimes the mirror tells me "You are unsure of yourself."

Death, as much as I try and beat it, has it's place in life.  But I don't want it to have the final say.  I miss Kurt, who could say things so raw, with so much pain, that my pain seemed lifted.  Where is my honesty.

I want to be alive.  No more discrepancies.  No more half smiles.

I want to find what is at the core of it, not what I would have it, but what is really there.  For, deep in my soul is a voice telling me the darkness, though felt, is temporary.  That at the first, that at the start, that at the very beginning, is a love, shining like a million suns, roaring like a billion oceans, bringing with it all that we thought, and infinitely more.  So that we are taken by it, caught up, lifted to a level we didn't know existed, in a realm we have only caught glances of as of yet.

But to journey here is to come naked, we must leave what's behind as just that, behind.  We must die, to be reborn, to die, to be reborn until being reborn is the story and fluidly lifts us until all we know is the sky.

We must die until we are comfortable with life.  For as of yet, we cannot behold it.  Our current view isn't sufficient.  Our current mind, unable to sit with it.

I'm yelling from the rooftops.  Stop the violence, we are one.  We come from the same place, we need each other.  I need you, you need me.  Why must we change each other, why cannot we become content to be changed together.  After all, we are stronger together.

No more wars.  No more prejudice.  No more hate.  No more division.  It's been done for us, all we have to do is to follow the pattern.  One died for all, beauty decided to be not shown, only so that it can be shown brighter.  It asks us to be the same.  We need not announce our presence, our presence is announced enough.  It was given to us, is given to us, is sustained.  We don't have to press it upon others, but to be given to another so that their light can shine brighter, then my light finds its final meaning, than I take part in what was taken part of for me.  Then I'm a part of the Big Picture, and I experience what before I merely wrote in words.

Our dreams are already dreamed for us, yet somehow they delight in our own dreams as well.  We are children, yet grow old, yet made young.  All in all, all is all, all for all.

Healthy

I want to be healthy on every level.  I want to be healthy physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  I feel this takes a balance.  If I spend tons of time at the gym, my physical body may become stronger, fitter, and I may even live longer, but if I neglect my spirituality, I may be stuck in bitterness, not enjoying the gym anyway.  On the other hand, if I spend all of my time reading spiritual books, but ignore my bodies cry for motion, or don't create the space in myself to receive what I've studied, the words I study may flow in and out of me without taking root in my being.  I believe the balance requires wisdom, trial and error and humility.  I believe that a part of wisdom is looking at a situation or a plan long enough to take it all in, all the good, all the bad, all that excites, all that confuses.  Wisdom needs not reacts too quickly, needs not formulate a response too soon, rather, it is content to let a response form while holding all options with open hands.  Wisdom not only holds all options, but nurtures them with compassion, being confident that the compassion will grow what is needed, and humbly dismiss the things needing to be dismissed.  In this environment, what is needed most by me can arise, it can arise from my soul, the deepest thirst can make itself known.  Wisdom, that is one part of it.  Trial and error, another.  Say I'm convinced a path is the right one, and I embark upon it with open arms, only be beaten up by it, discouraged and downtrodden.  I need to be open to the fact that I may not grasp the full truth, and that sometimes trying things is needed to learn whether or not it's the best option.  We need to have the freedom to both succeed and fail.  Both can be beneficial, both can teach valuable lessons.  If we fail, if we can hold it with compassionate hands, beauty can rise from the ashes.  The darkest moment in history, where God was killed by humans, the greatest tragedy, has been turned into a wellspring of sweet healing water, reaching to the depths of all that is.  Jesus was killed on the cross, but rose again so that even the things that cause death in us can be resurrected to life.  All this to say, we need not fear our failures, our mistakes, our embarrassments, our shame, for like a phoenix from the ashes, we can rise stronger, deeper and more full.  We can learn from our mistakes.  And finally, humility.  I feel that I need to approach each day as a student, willing and open to learn from each circumstance, from every moment.  Humility doesn't only mean admitting the things I need help with, but it's also a surrender that our life can be better than we thought too.  It means that we are not out of the reach of God, and that the life Jesus offers, can reach even to us.  It means he can use me, change me, hold me, and that I can receive this.  Holding on to the way things were may seem like a good idea, the past will dictate the future, right?  But I believe that in Christ it doesn't.   We are free to learn.  We are free to receive.

If we go about our  lives with an aggressive attitude, trying to plead our case, or dry the resources of others without intention of passing it on, or trying to prove our own actions or ideas, we will be frustrated.  But why wouldn't we approach life like this, we're told to reach for the stars, we're told that if we work hard enough for anything we can get it.  We're told that the victor gets the spoils, we herald hard work, love determination.  These things are not bad in themselves, but must be tempered with wisdom, with patience, with love, with a willingness to suffer with others and to suffer for ourselves.

But if I approach life like an eager student, willing to be surprised, willing to be taken aback, willing to be affected and touched, then I can hold on to things more loosely, then I can find joy in the small things.  And if I can find joy in the small things, then I can find joy in the big things.  Humility can let me enjoy the good things, and let the undesirable things even work towards my benefit.  Wisdom can hold me in the void until the thing needed the most finds the courage to come out.  Being in tune with wisdom, with love, will help me to know what areas of my life to devote time to nurturing.  Is my spirit dry?  Maybe I need to be encouraged with stories of love, hope and meaning.  Is my study dry? Then maybe I need to have fun with my friends so that I don't forget that life is not lived in the head alone.   Am I mentally and emotionally exhausted?  Then maybe I need to let rest work its healing act inside my soul so that I can once again engage in an effective way.

God grant me wisdom, willingness to try and learn from my mistakes, and humility