Sometimes (dark musings)

Sometimes, the cold feels more normal.  Sometimes, the deep feels shallow, the up down and the right wrong.  I have to tell the truth, I cannot lie.  Lying may have been, but shall not be.  I try and lift myself up by the bootstraps, only to find I'm not strong enough, only to find my musculature doesn't have the energy.  I fear what I say, as in I have to pretend to be perfect.  I desire fluidity, for my desires, wants, needs, wishes, body to resonate as one.

One day, far away, but becoming towards me, I will not say one thing and think another, I will not dream one thing and settle for another.  Sometimes my inconsistencies seem to get the best of me, sometimes the mirror tells me "You are unsure of yourself."

Death, as much as I try and beat it, has it's place in life.  But I don't want it to have the final say.  I miss Kurt, who could say things so raw, with so much pain, that my pain seemed lifted.  Where is my honesty.

I want to be alive.  No more discrepancies.  No more half smiles.

I want to find what is at the core of it, not what I would have it, but what is really there.  For, deep in my soul is a voice telling me the darkness, though felt, is temporary.  That at the first, that at the start, that at the very beginning, is a love, shining like a million suns, roaring like a billion oceans, bringing with it all that we thought, and infinitely more.  So that we are taken by it, caught up, lifted to a level we didn't know existed, in a realm we have only caught glances of as of yet.

But to journey here is to come naked, we must leave what's behind as just that, behind.  We must die, to be reborn, to die, to be reborn until being reborn is the story and fluidly lifts us until all we know is the sky.

We must die until we are comfortable with life.  For as of yet, we cannot behold it.  Our current view isn't sufficient.  Our current mind, unable to sit with it.

I'm yelling from the rooftops.  Stop the violence, we are one.  We come from the same place, we need each other.  I need you, you need me.  Why must we change each other, why cannot we become content to be changed together.  After all, we are stronger together.

No more wars.  No more prejudice.  No more hate.  No more division.  It's been done for us, all we have to do is to follow the pattern.  One died for all, beauty decided to be not shown, only so that it can be shown brighter.  It asks us to be the same.  We need not announce our presence, our presence is announced enough.  It was given to us, is given to us, is sustained.  We don't have to press it upon others, but to be given to another so that their light can shine brighter, then my light finds its final meaning, than I take part in what was taken part of for me.  Then I'm a part of the Big Picture, and I experience what before I merely wrote in words.

Our dreams are already dreamed for us, yet somehow they delight in our own dreams as well.  We are children, yet grow old, yet made young.  All in all, all is all, all for all.