Laughter drinks em dry

I took things so seriously.  Everything was of the upmost import.  Duty.  Honor.  Stale buildings, grey skies.  The dear and antelope became just animals.  The mathematical equation I used to scale things up now has been my template for every situation, my processing tool to the death of creativity.

Laugh Aaron, laugh.  It's ok.  There is One who cares before the foundation of the world, whose care will continue after I'm dead.  It's held.  Don't take burdens that were never yours to carry.  Love exists, it's the strongest force.  The beginning is good, it's going to a good place.  Laugh, be merry, let joy do its work.

But I worry.  I fear.  I shake, I get nervous.  Will my shoulders shoulder the day?  Will I be able to maintain?  Should I expect good or bad from the day?

Laugh Aaron, laugh.  It's ok.  Goodness has already been, is, and will be.  Don't take yourself too seriously, don't contribute to your own death.  Life was, is, and will be.  Give way to the cosmic dance.  Don't fight the nature of things.  Life and death shall happen, don't fear them.  Just dance.  There is one who holds all, and he is good.  His goodness is the lifeblood of all that ever has been and will be.  Trust, and...Laugh.

A light

A light dawns across the sky, inviting all, loving all.  The aurora borealis of time and history floods the dawns sky until we all see, until we all believe, until we all have hope, until we are all flooded with life.  A light that once flickered in the corner of our hearts is now fully realized in the sky, enveloping all, engulfing all, filling all.  Once we were alone, now we are found.

The light shines through time and space, through stars and galaxies, on the scale of the universe, one the scale of atoms.  From above, from beneath, it falls down, it wells up.

What has been given birth?  The hope of the nations.  The fulfillment of time and eternity.  A well of life giving water that runs deeper than blood, deeper the the deepest ocean.  Carrying with it all the love the universe has ever known, carrying on its back, giving birth to more love in its wake.  Calling forth love from behind and before.  Uniting us to our hearts and minds, joining the dispersed parts of ourselves, calling all, scooping us from our darkness, holding us, instilling in us creative life, and life yet to be realized.

The stars are honored to be passed by, the reflect the beauty.  The come to life with dance and song, joining the chorus.

The light that was once in our dreams, a distant hope in the unconscious, a fresh idea that at times found us in our lives, now has become reality.  The truest reality.  The ground of being.  Before and beyond.

It's come to life, the one yearning to hold us ever since we gave our first breath.  Who knew us in the womb.  Who called being to being.  The clouds are swirled up in the motion.  The mountains eager expectation is realized.  The youth feel understood and the elders that their lives had meaning.  The Alpha and Omega soaring across the skies of the universe, enlivening all.

Letting go

Help me to let go of all.  This plan.  That plan.  Swaying this way.  Swaying that way.  Running with this idea.  Running with that idea.  Help me to finally surrender.  I try and know what's best for me, but what is best for me is you.  Maybe I have my pockets and nooks and crannies that I try and keep for myself.  Fill them all with you.  I assert my independence when what I need is dependence on you.

Better than any thought.  Better than any plan.  Beyond any dream.  Relevant to this time and age.  My scheming.  My planning.  My bitterness.  My grudges.  My coming up short.  My comforts.  All the things I do to be apart from you, to assert my independence, to try and be different, to try and be unique, to try and be on my own.

Swallow it up in your grace.  However many times I've asserted myself instead of trusting you, forgive me.  Let the present and future be different.  Wash me white as snow.  Forgive my sin.

I waver.  I teater.  I wonder.  I fear. 

I am certainly in need.

Of......

Your grace.

Take me over.  Wash me in you joy.  Take apart my world and build it how you desire.  Sit alone on the throne of my heart, of my mind, of my being.  Be my everything, my morning, my day, my evening.  The Alpha, the Omega.  Be more real to me than the couch I sit on.  Envelope me in mercy, compassion.  Be my song.

My only.

Only One

Only One.  Yet this One is composed of three.  When all else falls out from beneath, the One remains.    Perfect relationship.  Perfect giving and receiving.  Perfect union.

When all else looses its voice, One will still sing.  At the end of time, One invites all into eternity.  One started it all, it's all heading toward One.  All else changes, the One is eternally the same, yet eternally new to us all.

One is victorious.  Now One calls out wisdom through eternity, seeking others to join in on the call.  Seeking others to be swept up in its flow.

One is the answer.  Yet One is patient with all the questions.  One is kind, always kind.  From One kindness comes forth, a kindness that wants to know everything in existence, or, to be known by everything in existence as the One already knows.

One is the path, yet One doesn't want any of our paths to look the same.  One calls us forth, yet accepts right where we are.  One is the leader, yet One doesn't seek conformity.  One wants all of us to grow in love, yet doesn't withhold its eternal love from us all, no matter what.

We all are united in One.  Yet One celebrates our differences.  One holds all together, yet doesn't force itself upon us.  It One's self,  pure relationship, freely receiving, but not holding onto, letting what is freely received be freely given, only to receive back.  It needs not claim its own, it is fulfilled in it's perfect union with self, in the perfect flow of giving and receiving.

Let me realize, awaken to, fall into, grow in, submit to, receive, be in the flow of, give all for, give all to, become more like, be changed by, fall deeply in love with, One.

Mercy

From my anguish.  To the heavens.  From my confusion.  From my plans.  From my worry.  From helplessness.  From nothingness.  From self hate.  From this struggle.

Let mercy cry out from the top of the highest mountain.  Let it pour out from above.  Let it spring up from beneath.  Let us be lost in it forever.  No more need for classifications.  No desire to divide.  No more us and them.  Only one.

Engulf us.  Let not misery be out companion.  Purge my emptiness.  Let there be a clear path for you into my heart.  Remove the blocks.  Remove my securities, my divisive nature, my classification, my negativity.  Flow freely in and through me.  May I be caught up in the tide and flow that knows no end.  Let my mind be drawn by that which it can't wrap itself around.  Be more real to me than the chair I'm sitting on.  Let me be a spiritual being having a human experience.  Let there be one reality. Let us all be included.  Forgive my divisive nature.

Mercy.  The war is beyond me.  It is mercy's war.  And mercy has already won.  It never had a rival.  It shines on through the generations, both being shouted from the rooftops and whispered between from the spaces in between.

I paint on my strongest face, only to realize it's not my strength that counts.

Light

A light to run away.  What is on the other side?  Light.  What is around the corner?  Light.  What is underneath?  Light.  

The light shines the darkness.  And the darkness cannot overcome it.  

Before my bitterness was light.  Before my plans was light.  Before my shurities was light.  Before my wondering and questions was light.  Before death and dying was light.  

We need not just endure.  We are called to proclaim, to live into, that which is the truest.  Light.  It's the deepest well.  An endless well.  It's where we are born.  It's where everything is headed.  Let us not fight the natural order of things.

For free

It's for free.  What if the greatest gift is one we've already received.  There is no prerequisite for it.  There is no test.  There is no grading system.  Whether or not you deserve it isn't even a question.

Its answer is "yes."  Its answer is "of course."  It shouts, "both/and."

Birthed from the One that had no birth.  Born of the One who was not conceived.

Freedom lives with the One who has given himself over to us.

For free.  I must lay down arms.  I cannot fight for this.  The battle is already won.  I cannot compete for this.  We all win.  I cannot think my way in.  Rather I must unlearn my defenses.  I must surrender to that which was, and is and will be.

Words born from silence.  Silence born from love.  Love born from Trinity.  Trinity in a perfect self emptying and receiving dance.  Setting the tone for the atoms.  Drumming out the beat which calls us all to dance.

So let us dance.

Free Association

Free association.  Not censoring what I say.  Not worrying about if what I said is wrong.  Just saying it because it doesn't need to live inside me.  What I share can also be helped.  So let me sit on the couch, recline and open up.  I fear so deeply what is inside of me.  The brain I have that should be controlled by the Spirit is deeply afraid of itself, and this body that lugs it around.

But this is not what I'm meant for.  Banquet.  Celebration.  Goodness.  Kindness.

So open up insides.  Pour out into the light.  Fear not your own greed.  Fear not your own selfish ambition.  Just let them be swallowed up by light.  Just let yourself be swallowed up by light.

Oh, there you are

Oh, there you are!  In a place I didn't expect.  I went to my schools, I read my books, I planned my plans, but my ego loves to attach its worth to accomplishment, and I became what I do.  But that is not where you are.  Catch me by surprise.  Come to me when I'm on my knees, when my defenses are down.  Then, possibly, I will be more receptive.  I've tried ownership.  Over and over and over.  When I think something is in my grasp, it becomes illusive to me.  Look what I have!  Look what I have discovered.  Pain.  Look at me!  Look at what I've figured out!  Regret.

If it is true that there is a kingdom beyond, between and before our current level of seeing, let me see it.  For to many times I've tried to take captive reality and make it my own.  There must be something larger, something that includes everyone and everything for all of time, space and eternity.  Right?  What other common ground do we have to meet on?  How else can we be one and yet also celebrate our differences?

Awaken my soul.  Let me dull mind, mush and all, see with clarity.  Help me to believe.  Is it too good to be true?  No, let me believe it more and more for this human life and beyond.

Silence

Words born are words born out of silence.  Words born from word loose their flavor.  When our constructs are built from previous constructs, we get further from the center.  In silence, my thoughts may emerge, my fears surface, I may not like myself.  I may desire to flee the silence.  But this is my chance to not run, to process, to feel, to know at a deeper level.

Silence, where the ground of being may be realized a little more, and where in the dry desert of our being flowers can break forth.  And the desert becomes a tropic, with golden shores, waters of blue, and a bright and energizing sun.

We must let our inner selves out.  We must give it breathing room.  It needs oxygen.

Let us integrate ourselves with ourselves, reconcile ourselves to ourselves, and free the self that's in ourselves.

Free Soul

Be free soul, let yourself dream.  Let not capture be your home.  Choose not captivity, let yourself dream.  Lay down arms, they are not your weapons.  Let freedom ring in your soul.  Take down walls, we need each other.  May light shine in your mind and body so that you experience life as good, as the universe rigged in your favor, as the current and waves dancing with you.  Let us not fear our bodies, fear our longings, fear our darkness.  They were meant for the light.  That is their home.  Let us simply walk into the light.  The light takes effect.  Conversion.

Let the children sing and dance without hinderance.  Let me not be a hinderance to their joy.  May we encourage life in each other.  May I not see you as other, but as one with me.  There is a body that engulfs all our bodies, we are seamless.  Alive.  Loved.

In need of mercy

Help me to never forget that I'm in need of your mercy.  Help me to live in your forgiveness.  Reveal to me areas where I need your forgiveness, and help me to give them to you.  Help my pride not get in the way of being in the flow of your mercy and forgiveness.  Have free access to my heart and soul.  Let your agenda be done, your love take root in me.  Help that be the strongest force, and if it asks me to give up a petty pride, a hate, a taking comfort in my own accomplishments or illusions of accomplishments or to rest in my own goodness, help me to give them up to you.

Have mercy on me a sinner.

A Tribe that Contains all Tribes

What if there are people who love on both sides?  What if there is a tribe that contains all tribe?  Life.  Love.  Kindness.  What if these are the places where we should go.  When I give myself to an ideology, I give part of myself away.  My instincts then are to defend that ideology.  My walls come up.  What if the victory is already won, what if love is at the core of the universe?  What if this speaks louder than any word?  Now I can lay down my defenses, and not try to muster up a "right" response and simply accept love, to accept that I am accepted.

Beneath our differences, in thought, in belief, there is a river running that joins us all.  All notion of independence isn't the full reality.  We are interconnected with Christ at the core.

Democrats and Republicans.  Gay or straight.  Male, female or transgendered, we are all one.  The river flows.  The river doesn't judge, it simply invites.  May I, may we, always just simply say, "Yes!"

Becoming One

If there were fragments, these fragments gained a buzz, not quite an energy, but a pre-energy of sorts, an attraction to Another and to each other.  Rather than shrugging it off or explaining it away, they indulged their curiosity and then suddenly found they were  not alone.  They were no longer isolated fragments, but were together, being interwoven without even having knowledge of it.  This new element, felt a buzz, felt attraction to Another and longed for something else.  "We've been here before, it says, let us indulge."  And so it did, to find itself bonded to, consumed by, consuming, one with other creations, the fragments, turned one, turned into a larger and more inclusive one, a more complex, and diversely created one.  "I like this cycle!" it states.  "Let us for all of time seek out those not yet included and include them, for we are stronger together.  Our diversity makes us beautiful, we must share, we must include, we must accept, we must love."

A Clarifying Peace

A whisper becomes a word, the word gains energy, causes curiosity, starts an energy, then energy gains momentum, the momentum picks up speed; a raindrop, to a puddle, to a stream, a river, an ocean.

Peace felt in the heart, becomes peace felt in the limbs, becomes surrogate legs to walk with.  Peace that starts in the far corner of the soul, bleeds over into our consciousness, if only as a mist at first, but is enough to color the eyes.  A wound is allowed to breathe, might seems like a small feat, but in the oxygen it begins to flower, and it's discovered that through the very place we tried to hide, mystery and light makes itself known to us.  A little fear gets uncovered, a little freedom gained for the soul, and seeps into our conversations and strivings.

Let the small victories pour forth.  For it is in this way the battle is won.  Our day to day fighting, fighting against the restrictive, constrictive, habitual, critical voices.  May seem irrelevant, may want to give up.  But landscape cleared, can be a place for grace to rest, and grace that rests is grace taking affect.  Every step you take is a step, don't run from them, let them sink in.

You matter.  Every one of your victories is a victory.  Live in the wisdom of accepted tenderness.

Hospitality and Rest

Lonely, afraid, bitter, down.  All I am feels to have sulked low.  This divisive greed wants to sprout throughout my body.  It promises me that it's my keepsake, it says no one knows like it does, it promises gold and silver.  It says "I am the silver lining, trust in me."  But I have this aching feeling that its bitter path leads towards death.  My memories start to wrestle with me, to make themselves known.  "You've been here Aaron," they say, "There is good, you don't need to kill yourself for this terrible darkness."

And lo, I have a choice.  What voice do I listen to?  Which voice is real?  Which voice is good?

Lord God, open my path before me.  Be my spacious grace, my hospitality and rest.  Lead me deep into your heart

Grace

Flow through me, be my companion.  Touch every part of my mind.  Reach into the deep recesses of my soul and unconsciousness, and put into them your light.  Illuminate my darkness, so that I may be healed.  Swirl in the air, resound from the Ground of Being.  Come in, be in my breath, flow through my limbs.  Let all succumb to you.  Let my inner child be at home in you, and then rocket though all my years until I'm completely swallowed up by you.

Sing from the highest height.  Bubble up from the deepest sea.  Be on the wind.  Make yourself known from between the stillness.  Be through the music of the ages, make all things new.  Heal us.  Let us be home.

Bring into the light the shadow in my soul.  That I may know true peace.  That my joy may overflow. To be a part of the Whole.  To know Reality as good.  To not fear my own skin, or my own death, but to see it as a transition into new life, into a new birth.

Let my mind find rest.  Ease my fear.  Speak into me the Truth that is beyond my words.

Tri

Not one, but not the other.  Somewhere in-between?  Or something else entirely?  I reach for one, to fall.  I reach for the other, to fall.  Polarities seem to be my downfall.  Am I on the left or the right?  Am I good or bad?  Is the universe friendly or a cold dark place, or worse, hostile.

When I seek for answers by staring them in the faces, I get nowhere, rather, I get frustrated.

What if....What if all are part of the story.  What if each polarity reflects a part of the truth.  I don't want to climb a latter the entirety of my life to find it was leaning against the wrong, or one, building.   I don't want to be numb to learning from others different than me.

It is true, I have sought comfort and security from the poles.  If only I could pitch my tent there, and everything would go right.  I must let go of this notion, this lie that promises comfort only to breed hate.  In this place, I feel a sense of power, but it deceives me.  For I thought I could control it.  I thought I sat upon it like a race horse or a tank, which I could steer to do my bidding.  I thought it had my best interest in mind, but it used me as a spoke on a wheel,  a while spinning in the concrete, both going nowhere and towards nothingness.

Step back.  Breathe.  If the answers aren't in the poles, where are they.  Maybe in that we need not comb the ends of the earth to seek our truth, rather rest in that the truth is already present, already self sufficient.  I need not look among the stars, it's not in a celebration of polarity or autonomy, but an acceptance and surrender to that which is normal, that which is the true Reality.  The Reality that is holding each of us, asking us to let the chaff die, so that it can be reborn into a bigger and more inclusive expanse.  Thus participating in a truth already present, not sought by defining our differences, by seeking polarity.  Not building a latter to climb to the highest reaches of my mind, but rather feeling the earth beneath my feet, and realizing that the sacred has always been present.  It's been holding me much more than I've been seeking it.  In my seeking, I have become distracted from its basic principles, and its mystery embedded in the ordinary.

In this type of universe, my ascension is needed, not building my towers and walls, protecting what's "mine," reaching the "pinnacle," striving to get ahead or be one up.  It's not in a self constructed life.  Rather, it's in a dying of all of this, to be reborn to the true gratification.  Death and life.  It's in my death that I am met.  And here, my effort means nothing.  Rather, it's in my nothingness where I am held, in a boundless and spacious place.  And here, we are all on equal ground, because we are all held by the One.  It's His power that does the changing, I must simply basque in the sunlight.

Stop.  Breathe.  Awake.  Love.

Even When

Even when I'm at my lowest, even when the game seems played before, even when darkness seems more present than hope; the river flows.  My eyes are crusty, they burn from the fires from which I tried to view reality.  My knees strain, they carry a weary body, and the burden.  

Even when I am lost in my own head, where thoughts carry way too much of my attention.  Even when I fall short; the river flows.  My head twitches, my weight scares me, my throat is still sore.  

Even when I'm dead; the river flows.  Before and beyond a temporary scare, before a twisted body, there is hope; for you, for me, for everything.  

I had just been looking at the wrong symbols.  They only bound me, into chains, while I thought I was innovating.  But, when I close my eyes, I hear a distant sound of trickling water, the water of life.  I give pause, considering what I hear.  Could there be more here?  I must tune in; the trickle becomes a bubbling, becomes a brook, becomes a stream, becomes a river, becomes a lake, becomes an ocean, becomes everything.  My broken back and strained eyes receive their balm.  Not in the innovation of my crafty mind, or in the promise of a new healing, but in the Presence.  The One who has been, will be and is.  Through which time ceases and my soul is finally home.  My death, that I died in was speaking from the wrong set of presuppositions.  There was another story being told, right under my nose.  From within and without.  Healing exists.  Hope is real.  It is the fabric of reality; I tried to build my castle, all the while a home already existed.  Let me not be my own pain, my own undoing.  

Let my head and heart rest in the eternal story, the one that can only be spoken of in metaphor, and yet is truer than any definition of it.

Gone

All things gone, only one remains.  But this one holds the rest, so all things stay.  I thought the darkness had covered, I thought the end had come.  I fade to grey, only to realize that inside the grey was a great mystery, that holds every paradox, gently, and each paradox is given full expression so that the polarities are not polarities any longer.  Rather they flow in a perfect circle, and then outward, and then inward, and then out into the universe, and then in-between the atoms deeper and deeper into the ground of being.  Yes, it covers all, reveals all, transforms all, is perfectly hidden and perfectly revealed at once.

Father, help my inner world to be open to your flow, come from without and within, until I fall into an infinite number of infinities, into that which cannot be explained.

All was gone, but then all began.  My world cracked, crumbled, was broken open, was asunder, melted upon the hot earth, only to change form.  Not like ice, to water, to steam, but a death and rebirth.  A new creation, joined with that which has been singing forever, in perfect unity, in perfect harmony, with themselves, to realize, this was first.  Life was first.  Rebirth is into that which already was, I need only believe it.  The shell that I thought was my primary existence was the disguise.  This self made facade, shown to the systems and schools I tried to impress, where I sought praise, in anger, out of nothingness.  I tried to create a new me, only to repeat my same patterns, adding to my pain.

The Example, a perfect combination of human and divine, who also believed thus, came to bring us life.  That we might not fear our bodies, or hate them, or divide them or tear them asunder.  So let us fade to grey.  Let our polarities loose their stance, let them fall into a deep rest, let them realize they already posses that which they scream so loudly for.

Let the music play, open wide the gates, it's more inclusive than we thought.  Let us all be carried into that which cannot be described, only felt, only lived into.  Truth was never to be fully understood, but only enjoyed.

The Unfolding

Beyond a red carpet, let it roll out.  We see it as it is unraveled, not from itself, but from and in our understanding.  It's being revealed, everywhere at every time.  Teach me to listen oh Sovereign Lord. Let my posture be that of receiving.  Let me not be afraid to let you take me into the unknown.  And even if I am afraid, please help me to still let you.

For my emotions are data, not directions.  My fear isn't the whole it says it is.  It tries to consume me, that's all it knows how to do, but it doesn't know, it doesn't see, that beauty is in the stillness.  The rage boils, brews and spews, trying to pull others in.  It grasps desperately for a victim.  But truth is found in the time between stimulus and response.  Something occurs, and I have time, what shall I choose?  I've ran both directions way too readily.  I've over identified with the polars, running right and left.  But my eyes can only see one direction, running right means I can only see right.  Running left means I can only see left.  Resting in the middle gives me a better perspective.  This third way of seeing is so much something discovered as something uncovered.  Our very being, spirit, flesh, all of it desires its Source.  We want to come home.  Then our mind partakes in the Great Mind, not as an informant, but as a participant in its flow.

I need not claim any ground, put my stake in any claim, dig in my feet into the rocky ground.  Free me from myself Lord.  Empty me of all that keeps me from your glorious joy.  Become to me the Alpha and Omega, and everything in between.  Even if it means pulling me into what I considered darkness, only to discover that you are somewhere where I thought not.

A new beginning

Not last, only leading to the next.  For deadlines are illusion, death only a passing into the next.  Only a step of resurrection.  The flame, I thought was dead, but no, the kindling needed some breath.  Thank you for your breath, my wounds needed more healing.  I needed restraint, and yet to be set free, you did both.

What will this notion pass into.  For time isn't a stopping point, it is a flow, a river of life roaring forward.  To try and stop it, or even to resist, is going against the grain.  It's the opposite of what your cells long for, they bid you give way.  They meld with the timeless, which draws you, it's not calling us to our opposite, it's calling us, drawing us, to our natural origin, our final destination.  Yet it's not a destination at all, only a doorway to an infinite infinity.

In this light, let the deeps pour out.  Let them bubble up and out to fill everything, and yet when this task is done, there is still an infinite amount to fill.  And such is love.  Not dualistic, can hold two things at once without passing judgement on one or the other.  "Let them both remain," it says.  "They both have something to say."  I hope I listen.  There is one center.  But this center has infinite depth, and therefore infinite centers.  How else can we fall in love for all eternity?