Musing with Relient

 I'll tell you flat out, it hurts so much.  And I just pray my problems go away if they are just ignored, but that's not the way it works.  If and when I get, get myself from this clouded mind, I'll let myself settle down, I'm so ready to be found.  I've thrown away, the hope I had in friendships, I've thrown away the secret to find and end to this, and I just pray my problems go away if they are just ignored, but that's not the way it works.  Any control I thought I had, just slips right through my hands.  That it there, I confess, I'll blame all this on my selfishness.  Ya you love me, and that consumes me.  You give me hope, and hope it gives me life, you touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light, and I answer you, though I hardly make a noise, from my lips, the words I choose to say seem pathetic, but it's a fallen mans praise, because I love you.  When I go down, I lift my eyes to you, I won't look very far, because you'll be there with open arms, to lift me up again, to lift up again.

This is so unnerving, but I'll just to accept, that my mind is so inept, and all that there is left is to trust you.  Put the emphasis on the evidence, begging for the proof.  

Musing with Sean

 Everyday.  No matter what.  Where I let go.  And it's down with these endings I've written in my mind.  Goodbye.  The Pacific's out there somewhere.  Order seems to rise and it gives a weary heart some hope.  It's down with defending those hiding knifes with words sounding kind (mine).  Goodbye.   Stop believing everything you think.  Goodbye.  

Satellites are falling, for the corridors of power.  In these dark hours.  The red herrings are all around.  Can't you feel the movement from underground.  Trembling earth.  Ah.  Ah. Woo.  Ah.  Ah.  Woo.

Graceland.  The Mississippi delta, shining like a national guitar.  I am following the river, I'm gong to graceland.  Poor boys and pilgrims with families and we are going to graceland.  Reason to believe we will both be received in Graceland.  She said losing love is like a window in your heart, everyone sees the wind blow.  I'm going to Graceland.  My traveling companies are ghosts and empty sockets, but I have reason to believe we will all be received in Graceland.  I see losing love is like a window in your heart, everyone feels the wind blow through.  Graceland, Graceland.  For reasons I cannot explain, there's some part of me that wants to see Graceland.  Reason to believe we will all be received in Graceland.  Oooh, I'm going to Graceland.

When were we led astray.  It's always been this way.  Look in the mirror.  Don't turn away.  This is who we are.  This is nothing new, it's just that now it's in plain view.  How did we end up here.  How come the sudden change.  I owe it to myself dear.  For not enough attention paid.  This is who I am, this is nothing new, it's just that now it's in plain view.  Ah.  This is who I am, this is nothing new, it's just that now it's in plain view.  Now it's in plain view.

She always sleeps on plains.  She's in Yugoslavia, working on a mini series.  Suzie Lightning.  She's in Hungary, she sends postcards home.  Suzie Lightning.  Suzie Lightning.  There's no use crying about, no use trying to hold on.  She lights up the sky, then she's gone.  She's got no time for love, she don't need me now.  Suzie Lightning.  Suzie Lightning.  Suzie Lightning.  Suzie Lightning.  Suzie Lightning.  

Oil on canvas.  It was the dream of some painter, to reach through time and comfort a stranger with troubles like mine.  Aint it good to know, it's all been done before.  It's the jealous brothers of the favored son.  It's the heartache in lovers eyes, it's nice to know it's all been felt before, and it's good to know, and it's nice to know.

Musing with Switch

Life is more than fame and rock and roll.  Don't close your eyes, this is your life.  Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes.  This is your life.  Yesterday is dead and over.  This is your life.  Don't close your eyes.  Don't close your eyes.  Don't close your eyes.  This is your life.  Come on come on come on.  Take me broken, make me one.  Break the silence and make it a song.  Life is short I want to live it well. Awaken oh my soul.  I can't take none of that through the door, I want to live for more than just a funeral.  Awaken oh my soul, every breath that you take is a miracle.  One love, one voice, but maybe that's enough.  One life to live.  Life is short I want to live it well. One life one love.  One voice, but maybe that's enough.  Created for a place I've never known.  I'm finally where I belong.  Ya, this is home.  Maybe this is home.  This is home.  I've got my heart set on what happens next, and we're not alone.  Ya this is home.  Now I'm finally where I belong, where I belong.  Maybe this home.  Ya this is home.  After all my searching, after all my questions, I'm going to call it home.  I'm going to call it home.  Where I belong.  Ya this is home. Now I know, this is home.  Ya this is home.

Musing with Switch

Christ is the meaning.  Christ is the meaning.  Let it happen.  I don't know what the future holds, but Christ is good.  What's with defending if everything is ending.  Am I dreaming and what is the meaning of.  Let it happen.  Let it happen.  Let it happen.  I don't hold what the future holds.  Let it happen.  I can't make it get here sooner.  Let it happen.  Let it happen.  I don't hold what the future holds, but Lord be my future.  

Native tongue.  Whisper into my ear.  He spoke the truth let there be and there was.  Sing it out.  My heart, my head, my soul.  My soul, my lips our native tongue.  Let's sing in our native tongue.  Let sing, sing along.  To use our lungs for love.  

Love sing to me gentle, that I'm more than just accidental.  All I need.  All I need.  

Musing with Jars

Your love, rescue me, let the 11th hour quickly pass me by, deep time, beyond time, I don't know where, I don't know why, I don't know where, I don't know how, I don't know where,  I don't know why.

Let your love shine, filling up the cracks, pushing out the blockages, cleanse my soul.  

Only you.  

Can't see the sun for the daylight, I get used to these shadows, rescue me.

If you put your arms around me, could it change the way I feel.  

Cover me, hold my heart, into something beautiful.

You don't got fight, or make yourself belong. 

Now you're alive, now you're alive, I won't let you go, I won't let you go, I'm not letting go

Creativity

Can I slow down, and find contemplative orientation towards life?  If I do, will it open up space for creativity?  Will it open up space for play?  Have I in my mind made contemplation and play different?  Have I made them enemies, have I compartmentalized them from each other?  Have I feared that if I had a spiritual contemplative practice that it would it take away from me and music or excitement or play?

What if contemplative practice helps the clutter rest or if it helps me process them in order for me to be more present in play and creativity?  What if it helps me get a little bit more to my core, where I can engage a little bit more truly in creativity and play?  What if it strips away some selfish ambition so that if I engage in creativity I'm less likely to try and control the creativity and point in a direction, but can just engage in it for the sake of engaging in it?  What if this then helps me to live in the moment, to be more present in creativity as just me and not some agenda, or even some goal for creativity.  Also, what if play and creativity open up gateways to contemplation?  What if they affirm in me life and connection to others and then help me to be grateful for the contemplative space?

Everything

Surrender.  Let it happen.  I can't bring about redemption in myself, all I can do is try and stay plugged in, try and be in the flow.  I can't make tomorrow come sooner, in my efforts to manipulate tomorrow, I might steel from the present, and also not set me up for tomorrow the best either.  If love is the language upon which the universe was formed, if it is below us, above us, between us, in us, then is more beneficial to slow down and try and get in touch with this then trying to force something upon tomorrow?  If love careens through the universe, touching everything, is present in the far reaches of space and time, is present in the far reaches of the mind and soul, then would a surrender to it get me in touch with what I really need for the moment?  Then, it could care for all of these things and me, without my need to worry about tomorrow, or five minutes from now.  To be present with absolute presence, then maybe I will find my soul.  But there may be conflicting voices in my head, each vying for attention, each with hopes and fears.  A surrender is a surrender of these voices too, and then maybe if I surrender to God, the feeling of the need to follow one of these trails might dissipate, because, I am ok in the moment.  Then in the moment, maybe new streams are dug, maybe I learn to trust the present.  Maybe I become less defended.  Less likely to draw back.  Less likely to want to control or change the future, less likely to dig in the past for some answer.  Maybe our soul resonates with the eternal, the eternal that is beyond time and space and our control.  But somehow a surrender to that which is broader than us is also a surrender to home.  Maybe this home, this grace, is large enough to heal us of our worries in the moment, larger than our questions, maybe we can simply rest and be.

Unconditional love

Do I believe that I surrender to God all that I own and have, that I will have a greater reward in heaven than someone who has a faith as a small part of their lives?  Maybe this way of looking things is looking for a reward to justify a way of living.  However, what if living a life of love, a life of giving ourselves away to people and to God is reward enough in itself?  What if doing it for an eternal reward is to steal from loving in the moment?  What if at the gates of paradise, someone who has surrendered their entire life to love, and someone who had faith as a part of their life were both given an equal share of the kingdom?  If this were the generosity of God, would it not be all the more worth working for or surrendering to?

Compassion

Did Jesus hold any anger or bitterness at Judas?  If Christ has unconditional love, did it stop at Judas?  Did Jesus see Judas as the betrayer, as his enemy, as one who would cause he excruciating pain?  Or did Jesus love Judas, long for his freedom, have compassion on any possible confusion or struggle that may have been in him?  Did Jesus die for the other disciples more than Judas, or hold them in higher regard than him?  If this were so, would it mean that today Christ holds some people above others?  Or that his love is unconditional for some and not others?  Is it possible that Christ's love is so radical that he cared about, cared for, nurtured and delighted in the very one who would turn him over to die?

Forgiveness

If I pour out in repentance to God, does God accept or reject my apology?  If God were to accept it, would it mean that he would agree with me that I wronged Him?  If he would reject it, would it mean that he has been with me even through my transgression, working on my behalf even during it and through it and having compassion for the way my transgression has kept me in chains?  Is it possible that God has already offered me forgiveness before I have asked for it, longing for me to accept it for myself?  Longing for me to come to Him and receive it?  However, could it also be true that I won't realize and experience this until I offer a true and heartfelt apology?

Acceptance

Is it only in acceptance that I willing to change?  If I make a mistake, or if there is a place in me that I don't like or don't approve of, will self flagellation heal me of it?  Or will it only drive it deeper inside of me, only to come out in other ways, or to come back only this time with more bitterness?  Is it only in internalizing God's love for me that my traps start to loose grip on me?  Who am I to believe, God or me?  If I am seen as accepted, seen as loved, seen as cared for, seen with a desire to be freed from traps, if I let these speak into my life, then maybe my traps feel less need to clamp down, because One who knows better speaks a better and more true word.

Am I willing to unknow in order to know

Do I seek the certainties which I affirm or have kept in my operating system for a long time?  Am I willing to unknow them in order to know in a deeper way?  But they have worked in the past, I might cry out.  But they brought me life, I might say.  But they were entertaining, I might hold on to.  However these things must be let go of in order to be taken to a deeper seeing and experiencing and life.  It may be my sureties, possibly gifts that were freely given me, that I now latch to and claim as my own.  I must find the courage to surrender them to God.  For if I don't, I may stay stuck.  I may miss out on a new perspective, a perspective that might shed more light on the very things I'm afraid to let go of.

Depths to ground

What happens when pain abides in me?  What happens when my experience of life is suffering, and I don't see a way out?  What if in this time I don't know what to ask God for because I don't know the way out?  Is it ok to cry out to God?  To simply cry out?  Is it ok to tell God that we're angry?  If we do so, it might feel like we're complaining.  It might feel like we're just affirming the anguish that we feel.  We might fear the anger as it comes out.  Maybe we don't like to feel anger in us, or maybe we're scared that if tap into the depths of our unknowing, doubt or fear that there will be no end to it.  Maybe we fear that it will consume us.  However, keeping it at bay and holding it down is the true tax of our energy.  If God is the true ground of being, then speaking our suffering is to resinate our soul to  him, to this ground.  And then, if we stay the course and speak our pain the ground of being will resinate to our grounding and we can feel more centered and heard.  We might get an answer like, do this or that, but we might be touched in our soul and find that in fact, our unknowing didn't swallow us up.  Maybe the feeling is more like, he knew already and is glad that we're not carrying that weight anymore.

Opportunity

What is the opportunity in suffering?  When people are dying, if people loose jobs, if businesses go under, if our children get sick?  What could be an appropriate response to these, or how should be think about them?  If these are to come, do they become the new reality?  Do they say that the joy we had before was a lie and now the true nature of the universe is setting in?  Do they retroactively deny hope we had prior?  I think that in the moment, it can be tempting to think this way.  However, if we allow reality to be our teacher, than maybe good can come from even the most heart wrenching of circumstances.  Do I allow a horrendous tragedy to now define my view of reality?  Or am I open that by grace, even the most horrible circumstance can open new spaces in me, or allow me to let go of things I held on as surety and then to receive all that I really needed anyway.  I don't want to downplay suffering and tragedy, as they can make us ask the question if we can stand under their crushing weight.  However, I think that an eternal perspective could be the only way to weather the storm and then come out on the other side richer, deeper, more open and possibly with a willingness to live more simply.  This done in the dark, with much suffering.  However if we dare to believe it, then I believe there is hope even in the darkest trial.  If the alternate was true, then to me it seems that we are waiting for a tragedy, or death, to confirm what already believed about reality.  I believe that if we believe that reality is cold and dark then we will look for ways to confirm this, and that this will more likely be our experience of reality.  I don't believe that we should then just happily accept or seek suffering, however maybe, there is hope of emerging life even in the bleakest of times.

Into wholeness

Is it possible to desire or want something that we don't already in part have?  Can we desire God without already having his imprint.  Is there a vacuum that we try and put God into in order to fill us? Do we feel incomplete and seek God for completeness?  Or is there already a desire in us from birth to be united with that which breathed us out.  Is it more of a  homecoming that finding new territory? For me, this idea gives me hope because if I'm in the dark, I don't know where to grasp in order to reach light.  However if I have Christ already imprinted in my deepest being, then his guidance can lead me to where he also is.

Waiting, or waited for

Is it true that we wait for God?  Or is it true that God waits for us to discover or understand that we already have what we are waiting for?  However, could waiting for God be a part of letting that God is already with us be uncovered?  Could it be true that in the dark, God is being made true to us from within or from some angel we didn't see or previously understand?  If we slow down, and set our mind upon aspects of God, could we be held in that moment while other things pass or work through us, and in this process God ends up occupying a larger space of our lives as other things pass by.

Giving up all

Help me to give up all for you.  To let go of all, to find all.  The paradox of surrender to find our eternal home.  Surrender of my sureties, of control of my life and emotions.  A surrender of surety however, is also a surrender of false sureties.  To let go of control is to let go of those things that plague me.  In the hope that beauty will wash over me, soothing my wounds like balm.  Instead of beating myself up, wresting with myself, my pits I fall in, I give up control in the hope that my soul is healed.  That eternity will take my hand and lead my on a journal that is truly my deepest desire.  Then the small desires that I have entertained get washed away in eternities soothing gaze.  Am I willing to let go of selfish dreams, to find the real dream?

Belief

Is belief something we accent to, something we accept, something we hold to be true?  Or is it it something to transform our thoughts, insight, our relationship to and the way we perceive or bodies?  Is it something that I read and then believe was true, and then try and imitate it?  Or do I receive something, then chew on it, and hold it in me until I become it.  This being the gift of grace, not achieved by our own work or will.  And then once it is a part of us, or rather we are a part of it, then we enjoy it everywhere.  This goes beyond belief in the realm of deciding something is true, but to let the belief become reality to us, and in us, and through us.  How much do I want this?

Love beyond belief

Do I have a belief system, or do I seek something that is relevant to everything I do and all that I am. A belief system might help me to categorize things.  It might help me to make thoughts into stairs which I can climb to a roof that doesn't exist.  A belief system might actually inhibit belief to have its work on me.  If I preemptively put a belief system ahead of me, that I hold true, and try and live into, it might not let love hold me as I am, broken, needing healing, from Christ, who loves me before and despite and belief systems.  The unknown is where my own resources have no light to guide, to fall into the great unknown is to be caught by the hands that inhabit a space bigger than me.  Then, to open me to this bigger field also.

Warmth

Help me to be free.  To not be clenched in any way.  Not tight in my jaw or shoulders, not in my back.   But to be truly free in mind and body.  Free from negative thoughts and doubt.  Realization.  The realization of love for me.  To stand in the sun, and to slowly learn that it is truly home.  And then to realize, what it took my time to realize, was realized for me all along.  One true identity.  Through the clouds the sun breaks.  From the frozen tundra the ground warms.  The chill in the air turns into a comfortable warmth.  Realizing then that the warmth come from all directions, at the same time.  Realizing then that it was sharing it's glow before I realized it.  And then a warmth wells up from within, and meets the warmth without.

Open

Help me to be open.  To not try and hold you in my body, but to let you flow through.  Not ever giving up on any moment.  Not adding to negativity.  Not holding out for another time and place.  Present.  Letting go of control, or rather, the illusion of control.  It's not mine to grasp, or grapple for. It's an act of letting go.  Of surrender.  Not of demanding.  I didn't start any flow of grace, it's a flow that was long before me, yet it reaches to me, to us all.  It doesn't hold over us that it was before us.  It only seeks to wrap us up, to pour over all our pain, to saturate our hearts with contentment and love.

The moment doesn't belong to me.  Each moment contains everyone, and everything.  And it is the moment that gives birth to us all, not the other way around.  I'm not my own idea.  In order to seek the wisdom of the ages then, I feel looking outward to that which gave birth to us is good.  However, in doing so we also find reference within us to.  That even though we didn't start the flow, we are somehow a part of it.  This makes you my sister, my brother.  We are all caught up in the cosmic dance.  I need to not demand of it, but rather give way to the idea that it knows better for me than I do.  I should not try and corner it, for to do so is to evade it.  I should not try and freeze it in time, even in those moments that seem to make sense to me, for to do so it not let it carry me deeper.

Vast

Help me unlearn a need for control.  Help me unlearn surety.  Let freedom flow from deep wells, and then through me.  So that I feel it.  Realizing that I didn't start it.  Help me to give way to it.  To let it wash over, in, through me.  Let my mind find nothing else.  Realizing that the waters are infinitely deep.  I need not worry that I'll ever be able to stop discovering.  The waters pouring, yet still.  Deep. Full of grace.  Filling the space between.  And then the spaces in-between those.  And those.  To accept that surrendering is to give way to an infinite goodness.  Around every corner, in and through every dimension.  The structure that holds all, and then is far more vast than any definition that any structure gives to it.  Vast.

A hope

Hoping for good.  Hoping that the sun rises and shines on everything, all at once.  Hoping that there's not one place in the universe where the light doesn't reach.  So that all can be illuminated.  All can be brought into the great light.  All can touched, seen, shown.  And our mind too. That our minds would light up, fill with grace, overpour with grace.  Love to win the day.  To set everything free.  Our bodies to be our friends.  Our mind and bodies not at enmity, but are friends.  So that we relax.  Into great rest.  So our breath isn't laborious.  But first at ease, then breathed through.  So our breath becomes part of one bigger.  Our hearts no longer racing. But beating, effortlessly, and in beat with the energy that gives it beat.  Our steps no longer staggered.  Not laborious.  But with ease and freedom.  And then to be lifted off the ground into the greater movement.

Two Guitars

Guitar and Chimes

Breathe Freely