A great love

A love has dawn, of which I have never seen before. Its magnitude, its frequency, blasts through my paper flesh. I am captivated. I have known good and bad, up and down, dreary and hopeful. But in all the exposition, contemplation, thinking, evaluation, I never prepared myself for the reality of it. Love crosses nations and galaxies. It's intricacies seen in the smallest of things, over and above the largest of things, in and through everything. The loudest of all sounds, yet the stillest of all calms. The stars, the sun, the planets, point in His direction, yet don't fully hold Him. There is no fight, no broken heart, that goes unbeknownst. No rejection or abandonment, not felt. Intensely felt. So that The Heart breaks with ours, even deeper than ours. It fights for us when we feel the world was put her just to break us. It doesn't fear our darkness, it knows the dark is only there until dawn. Everywhere, everything is dawning. The light shines. I dare not try and contain it. I can only give way to it. Only let go of all else I hold on to. It is in this moment, in this light, free, beautiful moment that the whole of it made sense of all my little parts, and yet the whole is calling me into more wholeness. I float on a river of redemption, only knowing the river gets deeper and wider the longer I ride. My imagination fails me, my mind tries to categorize, to put in order, to make sense, before finally joining the rest of my body in just riding. The love is new because the love is of old. Manifesting in a million different ways that which was always present. Time and space have no bearing, only signs and signals. The truth is Spirit, always creative, adding and proclaiming the beauty and love that has united all of us, generation to generation, time to time, and which erupts through all that is and can be with a force so mighty it will propel us forward for all of eternity.

Redemption

Redemption flys over the hills. It's patterns, it's grace, only known from afar. Only tasted in parts and pieces. Known, felt, but not fully grasped. Known in fragments, and in half taken breathes. Yet somehow, still known, still enough. For now I know in part, then I shall know fully, as I am fully known. Redemption makes its way through the crowds, touching everyone, Lord help me to know when it's near. There is none brighter, none who speaks more clearly, none who should be closer listened to, but we know by touching a piece, leading to another piece, leading to revelation, leading to open hearts, leading to another picture, a caricature of what is full, but enough to keep us moving forward. Sometimes, when the smoke clears, I can see more clearly. In these times, the mountains, hills, music, rhythms and dances all seem holy. There is no distinction between what is and what is to come, they are working together. In these moments, meaning is apparent, people are a grace, my troubles teachers, the unknown beautiful mystery. Thank you God. Other times, the road seems to be full of pot holes. In which I sprain my ankles. My bemoaned labors pile up, my shoulder seemingly about to crack under the pressure. Both experiences, same life. Both must be surrendered. Both leading to the holy. One by praise, the other by dependency. We need to accept both, hold both compassionately, learn to be compassionate to ourselves in both. Bad days don't mean bad people. In the darkness, there is still a light. Our ability to see it doesn't determine its reality. Now. My life is open. I accept good days with gratitude, bad as reminders of our dependency upon holy grace. I less fear the corners of myself, the far recesses where great joy and great pain live. I don't run from my feelings, they no longer have mastery over me, I'm less tossed about by the waves of my own fears. But I do not try to go feelingless, I do not deny my needs, my wishes, my desires. I can feel intensely, but also relativize my feelings. I less hold, more be held. I less try and pave my own way, more float in the river of grace. Millions upon millions of gallons flowing through all that is and all that was and all that will be. It cannot be stopped, it is beyond time and eternity, yet gentle enough to care for the deepest wound, the most sensitive soul. Help me to trust such a grace. My ever despairing thoughts, troubling me, can take promise in the One that lies beyond the eternal, beyond my troubles. Care for my soul Holy God, keep me from the darkness of trying to care for it on my own.

Back and Forth

So I play music on my own, but think about playing with others, get excited, put an add on Craigslist, get some responses, get excite, write back, freak out, and then blow the whole thing off. Why do I do this? At basic it sounds pretty simple, I love music, jamming with people sounds fun, it's freeing to me, I want to improve as a guitarist and music writer, I feel it may be fun to play with others, I have dreams of being in a band. What's wrong with that? I don't know, it's what I'm trying to figure out. Why do I freak out? Why do I go back on it? I think that on a deep level I'm afraid of what God might think of me. I afraid that if I have too much fun, or invest too deeply into music, that I won't have time for God or that he'll be disappointed that I'm not spending enough time with Him. So I cut out music, in order that I may maybe spend more time with Him, or be more connected with Him, only to get tight and not enjoy life so much. Oh it may work for a few days, but then I always come up feeling tight or unengaged. Music is scary to me, but that's partly why I love it so much. It's unpredictable. You can't put a lid on it. You can't set boundaries upon it. A heartfelt cry can be heard among the lament of a song. But the very thing that attacks me to it, the unpredictability of it, the spontaneity of, the raw release of emotions, also scares me. Growing up, I believe that part of the atmosphere I was raised in implied that emotions are to be controlled, put in order, defended against, not let out. They are to be quantified and kept at check at all times. Not too fun. Not too healthy either. But what if God made me musical? What if it is Him who draws me through the raw, naked, honest expression found in music? What if it is His spontaneity that draws me into music. What if emotions are not to be stuffed, but expressed, shared, connected with and also inviting others to connect with. Be present to the moment and honest in the moment seems to demand this. And God is the moment, the present. I need not fear music, or enjoyment. For in these moments I am free, and I am more grateful to him, happier, connected and in harmony with the universe he has created. This has been a process for me, and one I still wrestle with. I thank those who have encouraged me to live into freedom, encouraged me to be myself, encouraged me that this is all God wants. I hope that I'm always honest with myself, and don't seek to not be driven by fear. So what does this mean about my problem of putting out adds and then freaking out. I think it means more that the freak is a lie, rather than the desire to have fun. God help me to dare to live into your freedom.

Tragedy

Today I learned of a great tragedy. It seeks to destroy me, as it did him. The rage moves on. Is it the loudest voice in the universe? It took him, it has taken others, it may try and take again. What must I do in the face of such tragedy. Certainly not succumb to it. But I need to feel it, otherwise I may brush over it too quickly, not take it in, not hold it with the compassion it deserves. God give the grace to hold it, with your help, without judgement, without condemnation, without acts of rage, without retaliation, without hate. Use even this grave event, an event even this dark, to bring about reception in my soul. For out of death can come life. I don't know how much pain he was in. I don't know how many smiles he had to glue on to his face. Be present, of love that flows through the universe, we need you Jesus. Teach me how to process such things, how to let it affect me with consuming me. So much pain in this world. And today, I heard of a school shooting too. When will it stop. Are there voices of peace amidst the agony? I hold on to the good passed on to me, I hope I have the strength to pass on good to the next. It's difficult when the tragedy seems so pressing, so prevalent, so grave, so large. Oh world, let us leave our differences aside. May we come together to comfort rather than confront. May we lay down arms, and join hands. I need love just like you. You just like me. Our nations are but illusion, you have a human heart just like me. Our differences are to be celebrated, not killed. Country rages against country. Retaliation rules the day. Our different languages don't mean different meaning, different value, different needs. I don't understand you, but I want to, please help me to understand, as I want to be understood. Peace not pressure. Violence has already spoken, we have heard, we're just tired of what it says. We are ready for something else. Aggression stop now. Reprogram our societies, our nations, our peoples, our hearts with love. So that love can give birth to more love. So that our children can have it better than we did. Let's see how far love can go, we owe it to ourselves. We owe it to our children. Grace.

Song Called Fade Away

Sometimes (dark musings)

Sometimes, the cold feels more normal.  Sometimes, the deep feels shallow, the up down and the right wrong.  I have to tell the truth, I cannot lie.  Lying may have been, but shall not be.  I try and lift myself up by the bootstraps, only to find I'm not strong enough, only to find my musculature doesn't have the energy.  I fear what I say, as in I have to pretend to be perfect.  I desire fluidity, for my desires, wants, needs, wishes, body to resonate as one.

One day, far away, but becoming towards me, I will not say one thing and think another, I will not dream one thing and settle for another.  Sometimes my inconsistencies seem to get the best of me, sometimes the mirror tells me "You are unsure of yourself."

Death, as much as I try and beat it, has it's place in life.  But I don't want it to have the final say.  I miss Kurt, who could say things so raw, with so much pain, that my pain seemed lifted.  Where is my honesty.

I want to be alive.  No more discrepancies.  No more half smiles.

I want to find what is at the core of it, not what I would have it, but what is really there.  For, deep in my soul is a voice telling me the darkness, though felt, is temporary.  That at the first, that at the start, that at the very beginning, is a love, shining like a million suns, roaring like a billion oceans, bringing with it all that we thought, and infinitely more.  So that we are taken by it, caught up, lifted to a level we didn't know existed, in a realm we have only caught glances of as of yet.

But to journey here is to come naked, we must leave what's behind as just that, behind.  We must die, to be reborn, to die, to be reborn until being reborn is the story and fluidly lifts us until all we know is the sky.

We must die until we are comfortable with life.  For as of yet, we cannot behold it.  Our current view isn't sufficient.  Our current mind, unable to sit with it.

I'm yelling from the rooftops.  Stop the violence, we are one.  We come from the same place, we need each other.  I need you, you need me.  Why must we change each other, why cannot we become content to be changed together.  After all, we are stronger together.

No more wars.  No more prejudice.  No more hate.  No more division.  It's been done for us, all we have to do is to follow the pattern.  One died for all, beauty decided to be not shown, only so that it can be shown brighter.  It asks us to be the same.  We need not announce our presence, our presence is announced enough.  It was given to us, is given to us, is sustained.  We don't have to press it upon others, but to be given to another so that their light can shine brighter, then my light finds its final meaning, than I take part in what was taken part of for me.  Then I'm a part of the Big Picture, and I experience what before I merely wrote in words.

Our dreams are already dreamed for us, yet somehow they delight in our own dreams as well.  We are children, yet grow old, yet made young.  All in all, all is all, all for all.

Healthy

I want to be healthy on every level.  I want to be healthy physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  I feel this takes a balance.  If I spend tons of time at the gym, my physical body may become stronger, fitter, and I may even live longer, but if I neglect my spirituality, I may be stuck in bitterness, not enjoying the gym anyway.  On the other hand, if I spend all of my time reading spiritual books, but ignore my bodies cry for motion, or don't create the space in myself to receive what I've studied, the words I study may flow in and out of me without taking root in my being.  I believe the balance requires wisdom, trial and error and humility.  I believe that a part of wisdom is looking at a situation or a plan long enough to take it all in, all the good, all the bad, all that excites, all that confuses.  Wisdom needs not reacts too quickly, needs not formulate a response too soon, rather, it is content to let a response form while holding all options with open hands.  Wisdom not only holds all options, but nurtures them with compassion, being confident that the compassion will grow what is needed, and humbly dismiss the things needing to be dismissed.  In this environment, what is needed most by me can arise, it can arise from my soul, the deepest thirst can make itself known.  Wisdom, that is one part of it.  Trial and error, another.  Say I'm convinced a path is the right one, and I embark upon it with open arms, only be beaten up by it, discouraged and downtrodden.  I need to be open to the fact that I may not grasp the full truth, and that sometimes trying things is needed to learn whether or not it's the best option.  We need to have the freedom to both succeed and fail.  Both can be beneficial, both can teach valuable lessons.  If we fail, if we can hold it with compassionate hands, beauty can rise from the ashes.  The darkest moment in history, where God was killed by humans, the greatest tragedy, has been turned into a wellspring of sweet healing water, reaching to the depths of all that is.  Jesus was killed on the cross, but rose again so that even the things that cause death in us can be resurrected to life.  All this to say, we need not fear our failures, our mistakes, our embarrassments, our shame, for like a phoenix from the ashes, we can rise stronger, deeper and more full.  We can learn from our mistakes.  And finally, humility.  I feel that I need to approach each day as a student, willing and open to learn from each circumstance, from every moment.  Humility doesn't only mean admitting the things I need help with, but it's also a surrender that our life can be better than we thought too.  It means that we are not out of the reach of God, and that the life Jesus offers, can reach even to us.  It means he can use me, change me, hold me, and that I can receive this.  Holding on to the way things were may seem like a good idea, the past will dictate the future, right?  But I believe that in Christ it doesn't.   We are free to learn.  We are free to receive.

If we go about our  lives with an aggressive attitude, trying to plead our case, or dry the resources of others without intention of passing it on, or trying to prove our own actions or ideas, we will be frustrated.  But why wouldn't we approach life like this, we're told to reach for the stars, we're told that if we work hard enough for anything we can get it.  We're told that the victor gets the spoils, we herald hard work, love determination.  These things are not bad in themselves, but must be tempered with wisdom, with patience, with love, with a willingness to suffer with others and to suffer for ourselves.

But if I approach life like an eager student, willing to be surprised, willing to be taken aback, willing to be affected and touched, then I can hold on to things more loosely, then I can find joy in the small things.  And if I can find joy in the small things, then I can find joy in the big things.  Humility can let me enjoy the good things, and let the undesirable things even work towards my benefit.  Wisdom can hold me in the void until the thing needed the most finds the courage to come out.  Being in tune with wisdom, with love, will help me to know what areas of my life to devote time to nurturing.  Is my spirit dry?  Maybe I need to be encouraged with stories of love, hope and meaning.  Is my study dry? Then maybe I need to have fun with my friends so that I don't forget that life is not lived in the head alone.   Am I mentally and emotionally exhausted?  Then maybe I need to let rest work its healing act inside my soul so that I can once again engage in an effective way.

God grant me wisdom, willingness to try and learn from my mistakes, and humility