In a few days, in a few short hours, a baby will be born into the world. I both fear and admire this. I am elated and terrified. I both stand with eager expectation, and fear the pain she may suffer. It's a mixture of both hope and dread. Life will no longer be the same, I will have another imprinted into my heart. With this comes the possibility of great joy, but also great sorrow. I don't know how I could watch a child of mine suffer as I have. I don't know how I could stand and watch her take her first antidepressant, or antipsychotic. But, where there is the chance for great pain, comes the chance for great love, for conversion, for beauty. I know there is a plan beyond my own, a sort of redemption and mercy that watches over us humans. It speaks even into the places where we feel most afraid. "I know" it says, "I've experienced, I experience with you." My heart will forever be touched by the unfoldings of the next few days, life will be changed. I pray that my heart is open and receptive to the total experience, the full meaning of new life in this earth, both human and a divine mystery. I hope I hold my new child with all my heart, and yet let her go completely to God.
Life is a great mystery, but is total gift. Each breath our new baby breathes will be touched by the divine. There will be no where Adleigh goes where she will be totally alone. I hope to be a reflection and a flash of the deep love Christ will have for her. She is a great gift to her mother and I, and I hope I never loose sight of this.
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