Hope

In the darkest night, we need not fabricate a light of our own, this will only bring on more darkness.  If I try and remember, all I remember haunts me.  If I think forward, I get trapped in the future.  I need a new consciousness.  I cannot kill myself any longer.  I will trade it in, only to awaken to the reality that was present before any of my pain.  Sometimes, my pain feels like an end in itself.  Is there any meaning to it?  Is there some direction I am heading?  I need a new mind, not one I can build.  I must take earth, combine it with the sacred, and find all was sacred all along.  Let that which is sacred arise, let light shine as it did before, as it never stopped.  I only couldn't see it.  I was looking through the wrong lens, the lens of my success.  The lens of what has worked for me in the past.  The lens of my ambition.  It worked before, why not this time?  Because everything must run its course.  Everything must be shown for what it is.  It must be revealed by fire.  A must be willing to see what I cannot see.  I must be willing to not only name the problem, I must admit I've partaken in it.  Sometimes, it's all I knew.  I must be willing to be awake, but first I must die to all that I am.  What will be left?  That which was before I am.  The great I AM.

Forgive my treachery, the places where I've been content with darkness.  The times where I thought I was an end in myself.  Where I used people, or used reputation, or fear.

The never ending thoughts trickle through my brain like raindrops falling from the open sky.  I do not want to die like this, I cannot stand myself.

Awaken me to the rest that was before I had a cell in my body.  The rest offered to us from long before I walked this earth.  I need the eternal, in both directions.  I want to believe that I was born into something, and am heading towards something.  Help.  Me.  To.  Let.  Go.  Only.  To.  Find.  It's. Better.  With.  You.