Born into the world

In a few days, in a few short hours, a baby will be born into the world.  I both fear and admire this.  I am elated and terrified.  I both stand with eager expectation, and fear the pain she may suffer.  It's a mixture of both hope and dread.  Life will no longer be the same, I will have another imprinted into my heart.  With this comes the possibility of great joy, but also great sorrow.  I don't know how I could watch a child of mine suffer as I have.  I don't know how I could stand and watch her take her first antidepressant, or antipsychotic.  But, where there is the chance for great pain, comes the chance for great love, for conversion, for beauty.  I know there is a plan beyond my own, a sort of redemption and mercy that watches over us humans.  It speaks even into the places where we feel most afraid.  "I know" it says, "I've experienced, I experience with you."  My heart will forever be touched by the unfoldings of the next few days, life will be changed.  I pray that my heart is open and receptive to the total experience, the full meaning of new life in this earth, both human and a divine mystery.  I hope I hold my new child with all my heart, and yet let her go completely to God.

Life is a great mystery, but is total gift.  Each breath our new baby breathes will be touched by the divine.  There will be no where Adleigh goes where she will be totally alone.  I hope to be a reflection and a flash of the deep love Christ will have for her.  She is a great gift to her mother and I, and I hope I never loose sight of this.

Freedom in God

I look up, and see the grace coming from the horizon, I know not how to respond, "What must I do?  What should I say?  How should I be?"  But these fall flat, they don't seem to get to the heart of it.  As the grace gets closer, by body responds, almost as if it has a mind of its own.  It fuzzes, stirs, writhes, and even groans.  It's as if my body knew it was coming more than I, it's as if my body knows how to respond more than my mind does.  The colors grow, is this a sunrise, yes, but more.  It changes not only the sky, but the ground, the surface, deep and wide it comes, changing the physical, but also the abstract and the ideal seem to be changing to.

Am I to trust my body?  Is this my spirit, or my soul speaking into the physicality of who I am?  What if I'm wrong?  What if there is more I must do?  What if I'm misunderstood?  Or, what if I am to give way to it, what would be on the other side.  It seems the horizon offers the dancing light that seems to be growing, possibly all consuming, but it seems that it is up to me to let it consume me.  My startle response says "Run!  Hide!  You're not ready!  You're not good enough!"  But my soul says, "Stay.  Let it take effect.  Let beauty rise.  This is mystery, where given and taken are one, where duality fails and all becomes united.  Which will I listen to, my mind, or the inner voice, soft, yet peaceful.

I know I've shrunken back in fear before.  Tried a thousand plans in a thousand ways to earn it on my own.  As much as they seem promising, the come to disappointment.  I've seen this, I've experienced this.  Therefore in the present, this time around, I will remain present.  I will stay in the now.  I will trust the inner voice.  I will let my body continue on the path of rejoicing.  The inner voice and the broadening horizon seem to be saying the same thing, even becoming one.  Now, where what started with a recognition of my body, it seems my soul and spirit are coming to the surface as well.  Maybe it's  not as fragmented as I had previously thought.  Maybe I didn't need to go to that place to work out my mind, this place to work out my spirit, over there to refresh my soul.  No, the seem to be moving more and more in union.  They are now dancing to the rhythms of the color, of the horizon.  Even my mind seems to be giving way to the flow.  Is this joy?  Is this union?  It's different then before, less me trying to assert myself, more me realizing that Jesus has been here all along.  My soul dances with him.  My body finds its rest in home.  My heart and soul find their rest in him.  All that once was separated is now one, all working together, all I tried to hold back now moves to the rhythm of the universe, it even moves to the spoken love of God.  And somehow I know that this eternal beauty, will never end, but that it will be shown as higher and deeper than my desires could ever know, and therefore will carry on its waves forever.  Thank you.

A Dim light at first

Darkness shall not reign over me, my first shall not be my last. In my scars, in my tears, they will not speak the final word. I want inspiration, for my cup to overflow. I need not the dim, I need not the cry. I will look up, I will look to the horizon, I will not hang my head, I will squint, and perceive that which is ahead. But I've fallen so far, I've gotten so dreary, I have become so tired. The argument wages war in my head, the never ending court room deliberates on and on and on.... so that I am tempted to to mesh their voices with my own. I can't stop swimming, I can't stop leaning in, there is nothing in nothingness, bitter in bitterness, concern in fear. The weight feels overwhelming, but I will not be crushed. For I saw a spark, when I was young. Yes I was young, but it has stayed with me. It has spoken to me in my darkest night, sometimes with more vigor, sometimes but a faint hum. But it is enough, enough for me to wake up, walk towards it, now, run towards it. All else, I am done with. I need the light. This voice, the one that showed itself to me first when young, will be my north star until my whole being realizes what my heart wants to believe. Life has not been fare, there are those that hurt, there are those that have not reached their elder years. Babies have died. People have walked on without feeling love. The light doesn't deny this, they light reaches into this and transforms from the inside out. All space, time and eternity have been touched, and when the vortex looks the bleakest, life is speaking into it, through it. We need to train ourselves to hear. It's a matter of light and dark, but the two can seem so intertwined. Patience my friend, let your mind and heart rest in grace, then let it start to discern. Light dim at first, grows, consumes. Love wins.

Never Give Up

Never give up. The obstacles might be high, the foes large and daunting. You might get told no once, twice, a thousand times. But all it takes is one yes. It's not so much recognition in the eyes of others we are looking for, but peace, with ourselves, with God. The day may have been a train wreck, the night a dim reminder of the what the day could have been, the morning, a musing of the previous. But get up still, fight, move forward, hold on to all that is holding you. Don't fear the drudgery, it was meant to be where it began. Only set your eyes on the horizon, for the new day holds new possibilities. The new day, though received in pain, will suffice to move through the pain, into and onto a new day. The darkness has already spoken. But it repeats the same message. Time after time, again and again, in time and throughout the ages, it positions itself up on it's pedestal and shouts from the street corners. But not satisfied with that, it tries to worm its way into our homes, not stopping there, into our minds, not stopping there, into our very souls, into the very fiber of our being. Like darkness calling out into the echoes, it yells and yells. But aren't we tired of its weary wondering? Aren't we tired of it dreary drudgery? Aren't we curious of what's on the other side of the voices? Aren't we curious of what they try and mask? So look longer, question the voices, hold them with compassion and see what pain the speak from, and what healing is on the other side. For when given grace, the dark needs not lie to get its needs met, it needs not go in circles to try and convince you, it can see rest, first in the distance, but then, closer and closer until rest seems like an honest possibility. At least something to be considered, something to be entertained. When given grace, it needs not try as hard to prove itself, for it sees its origin, it sees that before it was dark, it was light, and the years waning on and on through the noise and pain turned it sideways. Over time, it believed that sideways was its rightways, and forgot from which it fell. So trace with me, into grace, let the darkness give way to it's origin, to where it need not be dark anymore. Then the sun, once just breaking through, will become our direction, our goal, our hope, what draws us. We will gain the courage to follow it, we will walk though we don't fully see, we will find our home. Then we find, our home found us. It was calling, it was leading, it was to and through. What came before was mirage and shadow, though seemingly darkness at the time. The journey presses on, we keep our eyes forward, through the journey, we are transformed. Into one who needs not judge too quickly, one who holds paradox more readily, who is ok not knowing, needing not prove or even announce itself. We see beauty in the journey, and in what was before, and in what we are moving towards. Then we realize we share in the beauty, we share some of it's essence, which gives us more confidence to move towards it. We become what we were all along, ones loved. We learn the light was our true home all along. The arduous journey was worth the end. Finally, we can breathe. Finally there is space in our head for contemplation. Finally, we know more like we were known. Rest. Deep, soul inspiring rest. Rest for all parts, connected though not the same. We have found our home, our neuroses can find there proper place, working for and with us, moving up into the Head, which is love, which is grace, which is Presence beyond and above presence like we've ever felt. So my friends, never give up. There is another side to you pain. The struggle will not define you. You are loved. You are truly, deeply loved.

Alive

I am awake with the light. The light dawns over dreariness, into our open hearts. We crave the light, it guides us into the realm of matter and energy, a place only dreamt about on this side of eternity. Our creativity flows from it, eats when not spoken, desires to shout across the galaxies. In the wine of our emotions we know there is more. A flower from a seed, a need from a broken person, a well from the shore. We are here, there you are, little between us, in fact, we are together, we are one. Our differences are shadows and film, they only seek to lie. My brothers, my sisters, let us let down our drowning points, and be found naked and free. Unashamed, in the glory of the One who holds the glory. Trample down the dividing wall, the curtain is torn, now tear the curtains in our hearts, in our living rooms, across nations and glory. For we seek the same, we are part of the same, we are nearer to Heart than we think, and the Heart is yours, the Heart is mine. I lie awake, weak from weariness, drunk from tears. I need not tell my story, it's one you've heard a thousand times. But somehow, there is an originality, a newness of form, a calmness of soul. Where I am, where I've gone, into tirelessness, dreams and drudge. But the originality speaks to me, the light shone, the angels sang, and there I was, touched, tears freely flowing, finally knowing as I was known. The realm of the heavens opened up my tight locked head, my cries were heard! My heart loved! My selfhood delighted in! Let crayons and all before lay beyond, for I am found, I am held, I am vulnerable, my troubled heart has found a friend. This friend doesn't overwhelm me, my smoldering wick he lightly nourishes, my broken spirit he gently holds, and this holding is enough, somehow my soul knows not to move, not to fight, not to tear away, only to rest. Necessity is no longer the name of the game, in fact, it's no longer a game. It's a loving gaze, going out and returning at the same time. Its a transcendent action, both done, sustained and completed at the same time. No longer will I lie in pity, no longer will all I do be colorless, no more can my story be the same. The one that joined is also the one who freed, the one that made all one also gave me my name. My blood now flows through his story, my blood now joins the cells of those gone before, we are together, we are one. The blood and transgression were only temporary, the eternity now is shown.

Song about Mystery

Hurt Healers

Here's a song entitled hurt healers.