Song Called Fade Away

Sometimes (dark musings)

Sometimes, the cold feels more normal.  Sometimes, the deep feels shallow, the up down and the right wrong.  I have to tell the truth, I cannot lie.  Lying may have been, but shall not be.  I try and lift myself up by the bootstraps, only to find I'm not strong enough, only to find my musculature doesn't have the energy.  I fear what I say, as in I have to pretend to be perfect.  I desire fluidity, for my desires, wants, needs, wishes, body to resonate as one.

One day, far away, but becoming towards me, I will not say one thing and think another, I will not dream one thing and settle for another.  Sometimes my inconsistencies seem to get the best of me, sometimes the mirror tells me "You are unsure of yourself."

Death, as much as I try and beat it, has it's place in life.  But I don't want it to have the final say.  I miss Kurt, who could say things so raw, with so much pain, that my pain seemed lifted.  Where is my honesty.

I want to be alive.  No more discrepancies.  No more half smiles.

I want to find what is at the core of it, not what I would have it, but what is really there.  For, deep in my soul is a voice telling me the darkness, though felt, is temporary.  That at the first, that at the start, that at the very beginning, is a love, shining like a million suns, roaring like a billion oceans, bringing with it all that we thought, and infinitely more.  So that we are taken by it, caught up, lifted to a level we didn't know existed, in a realm we have only caught glances of as of yet.

But to journey here is to come naked, we must leave what's behind as just that, behind.  We must die, to be reborn, to die, to be reborn until being reborn is the story and fluidly lifts us until all we know is the sky.

We must die until we are comfortable with life.  For as of yet, we cannot behold it.  Our current view isn't sufficient.  Our current mind, unable to sit with it.

I'm yelling from the rooftops.  Stop the violence, we are one.  We come from the same place, we need each other.  I need you, you need me.  Why must we change each other, why cannot we become content to be changed together.  After all, we are stronger together.

No more wars.  No more prejudice.  No more hate.  No more division.  It's been done for us, all we have to do is to follow the pattern.  One died for all, beauty decided to be not shown, only so that it can be shown brighter.  It asks us to be the same.  We need not announce our presence, our presence is announced enough.  It was given to us, is given to us, is sustained.  We don't have to press it upon others, but to be given to another so that their light can shine brighter, then my light finds its final meaning, than I take part in what was taken part of for me.  Then I'm a part of the Big Picture, and I experience what before I merely wrote in words.

Our dreams are already dreamed for us, yet somehow they delight in our own dreams as well.  We are children, yet grow old, yet made young.  All in all, all is all, all for all.

Healthy

I want to be healthy on every level.  I want to be healthy physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  I feel this takes a balance.  If I spend tons of time at the gym, my physical body may become stronger, fitter, and I may even live longer, but if I neglect my spirituality, I may be stuck in bitterness, not enjoying the gym anyway.  On the other hand, if I spend all of my time reading spiritual books, but ignore my bodies cry for motion, or don't create the space in myself to receive what I've studied, the words I study may flow in and out of me without taking root in my being.  I believe the balance requires wisdom, trial and error and humility.  I believe that a part of wisdom is looking at a situation or a plan long enough to take it all in, all the good, all the bad, all that excites, all that confuses.  Wisdom needs not reacts too quickly, needs not formulate a response too soon, rather, it is content to let a response form while holding all options with open hands.  Wisdom not only holds all options, but nurtures them with compassion, being confident that the compassion will grow what is needed, and humbly dismiss the things needing to be dismissed.  In this environment, what is needed most by me can arise, it can arise from my soul, the deepest thirst can make itself known.  Wisdom, that is one part of it.  Trial and error, another.  Say I'm convinced a path is the right one, and I embark upon it with open arms, only be beaten up by it, discouraged and downtrodden.  I need to be open to the fact that I may not grasp the full truth, and that sometimes trying things is needed to learn whether or not it's the best option.  We need to have the freedom to both succeed and fail.  Both can be beneficial, both can teach valuable lessons.  If we fail, if we can hold it with compassionate hands, beauty can rise from the ashes.  The darkest moment in history, where God was killed by humans, the greatest tragedy, has been turned into a wellspring of sweet healing water, reaching to the depths of all that is.  Jesus was killed on the cross, but rose again so that even the things that cause death in us can be resurrected to life.  All this to say, we need not fear our failures, our mistakes, our embarrassments, our shame, for like a phoenix from the ashes, we can rise stronger, deeper and more full.  We can learn from our mistakes.  And finally, humility.  I feel that I need to approach each day as a student, willing and open to learn from each circumstance, from every moment.  Humility doesn't only mean admitting the things I need help with, but it's also a surrender that our life can be better than we thought too.  It means that we are not out of the reach of God, and that the life Jesus offers, can reach even to us.  It means he can use me, change me, hold me, and that I can receive this.  Holding on to the way things were may seem like a good idea, the past will dictate the future, right?  But I believe that in Christ it doesn't.   We are free to learn.  We are free to receive.

If we go about our  lives with an aggressive attitude, trying to plead our case, or dry the resources of others without intention of passing it on, or trying to prove our own actions or ideas, we will be frustrated.  But why wouldn't we approach life like this, we're told to reach for the stars, we're told that if we work hard enough for anything we can get it.  We're told that the victor gets the spoils, we herald hard work, love determination.  These things are not bad in themselves, but must be tempered with wisdom, with patience, with love, with a willingness to suffer with others and to suffer for ourselves.

But if I approach life like an eager student, willing to be surprised, willing to be taken aback, willing to be affected and touched, then I can hold on to things more loosely, then I can find joy in the small things.  And if I can find joy in the small things, then I can find joy in the big things.  Humility can let me enjoy the good things, and let the undesirable things even work towards my benefit.  Wisdom can hold me in the void until the thing needed the most finds the courage to come out.  Being in tune with wisdom, with love, will help me to know what areas of my life to devote time to nurturing.  Is my spirit dry?  Maybe I need to be encouraged with stories of love, hope and meaning.  Is my study dry? Then maybe I need to have fun with my friends so that I don't forget that life is not lived in the head alone.   Am I mentally and emotionally exhausted?  Then maybe I need to let rest work its healing act inside my soul so that I can once again engage in an effective way.

God grant me wisdom, willingness to try and learn from my mistakes, and humility

Born into the world

In a few days, in a few short hours, a baby will be born into the world.  I both fear and admire this.  I am elated and terrified.  I both stand with eager expectation, and fear the pain she may suffer.  It's a mixture of both hope and dread.  Life will no longer be the same, I will have another imprinted into my heart.  With this comes the possibility of great joy, but also great sorrow.  I don't know how I could watch a child of mine suffer as I have.  I don't know how I could stand and watch her take her first antidepressant, or antipsychotic.  But, where there is the chance for great pain, comes the chance for great love, for conversion, for beauty.  I know there is a plan beyond my own, a sort of redemption and mercy that watches over us humans.  It speaks even into the places where we feel most afraid.  "I know" it says, "I've experienced, I experience with you."  My heart will forever be touched by the unfoldings of the next few days, life will be changed.  I pray that my heart is open and receptive to the total experience, the full meaning of new life in this earth, both human and a divine mystery.  I hope I hold my new child with all my heart, and yet let her go completely to God.

Life is a great mystery, but is total gift.  Each breath our new baby breathes will be touched by the divine.  There will be no where Adleigh goes where she will be totally alone.  I hope to be a reflection and a flash of the deep love Christ will have for her.  She is a great gift to her mother and I, and I hope I never loose sight of this.

Freedom in God

I look up, and see the grace coming from the horizon, I know not how to respond, "What must I do?  What should I say?  How should I be?"  But these fall flat, they don't seem to get to the heart of it.  As the grace gets closer, by body responds, almost as if it has a mind of its own.  It fuzzes, stirs, writhes, and even groans.  It's as if my body knew it was coming more than I, it's as if my body knows how to respond more than my mind does.  The colors grow, is this a sunrise, yes, but more.  It changes not only the sky, but the ground, the surface, deep and wide it comes, changing the physical, but also the abstract and the ideal seem to be changing to.

Am I to trust my body?  Is this my spirit, or my soul speaking into the physicality of who I am?  What if I'm wrong?  What if there is more I must do?  What if I'm misunderstood?  Or, what if I am to give way to it, what would be on the other side.  It seems the horizon offers the dancing light that seems to be growing, possibly all consuming, but it seems that it is up to me to let it consume me.  My startle response says "Run!  Hide!  You're not ready!  You're not good enough!"  But my soul says, "Stay.  Let it take effect.  Let beauty rise.  This is mystery, where given and taken are one, where duality fails and all becomes united.  Which will I listen to, my mind, or the inner voice, soft, yet peaceful.

I know I've shrunken back in fear before.  Tried a thousand plans in a thousand ways to earn it on my own.  As much as they seem promising, the come to disappointment.  I've seen this, I've experienced this.  Therefore in the present, this time around, I will remain present.  I will stay in the now.  I will trust the inner voice.  I will let my body continue on the path of rejoicing.  The inner voice and the broadening horizon seem to be saying the same thing, even becoming one.  Now, where what started with a recognition of my body, it seems my soul and spirit are coming to the surface as well.  Maybe it's  not as fragmented as I had previously thought.  Maybe I didn't need to go to that place to work out my mind, this place to work out my spirit, over there to refresh my soul.  No, the seem to be moving more and more in union.  They are now dancing to the rhythms of the color, of the horizon.  Even my mind seems to be giving way to the flow.  Is this joy?  Is this union?  It's different then before, less me trying to assert myself, more me realizing that Jesus has been here all along.  My soul dances with him.  My body finds its rest in home.  My heart and soul find their rest in him.  All that once was separated is now one, all working together, all I tried to hold back now moves to the rhythm of the universe, it even moves to the spoken love of God.  And somehow I know that this eternal beauty, will never end, but that it will be shown as higher and deeper than my desires could ever know, and therefore will carry on its waves forever.  Thank you.

A Dim light at first

Darkness shall not reign over me, my first shall not be my last. In my scars, in my tears, they will not speak the final word. I want inspiration, for my cup to overflow. I need not the dim, I need not the cry. I will look up, I will look to the horizon, I will not hang my head, I will squint, and perceive that which is ahead. But I've fallen so far, I've gotten so dreary, I have become so tired. The argument wages war in my head, the never ending court room deliberates on and on and on.... so that I am tempted to to mesh their voices with my own. I can't stop swimming, I can't stop leaning in, there is nothing in nothingness, bitter in bitterness, concern in fear. The weight feels overwhelming, but I will not be crushed. For I saw a spark, when I was young. Yes I was young, but it has stayed with me. It has spoken to me in my darkest night, sometimes with more vigor, sometimes but a faint hum. But it is enough, enough for me to wake up, walk towards it, now, run towards it. All else, I am done with. I need the light. This voice, the one that showed itself to me first when young, will be my north star until my whole being realizes what my heart wants to believe. Life has not been fare, there are those that hurt, there are those that have not reached their elder years. Babies have died. People have walked on without feeling love. The light doesn't deny this, they light reaches into this and transforms from the inside out. All space, time and eternity have been touched, and when the vortex looks the bleakest, life is speaking into it, through it. We need to train ourselves to hear. It's a matter of light and dark, but the two can seem so intertwined. Patience my friend, let your mind and heart rest in grace, then let it start to discern. Light dim at first, grows, consumes. Love wins.

Never Give Up

Never give up. The obstacles might be high, the foes large and daunting. You might get told no once, twice, a thousand times. But all it takes is one yes. It's not so much recognition in the eyes of others we are looking for, but peace, with ourselves, with God. The day may have been a train wreck, the night a dim reminder of the what the day could have been, the morning, a musing of the previous. But get up still, fight, move forward, hold on to all that is holding you. Don't fear the drudgery, it was meant to be where it began. Only set your eyes on the horizon, for the new day holds new possibilities. The new day, though received in pain, will suffice to move through the pain, into and onto a new day. The darkness has already spoken. But it repeats the same message. Time after time, again and again, in time and throughout the ages, it positions itself up on it's pedestal and shouts from the street corners. But not satisfied with that, it tries to worm its way into our homes, not stopping there, into our minds, not stopping there, into our very souls, into the very fiber of our being. Like darkness calling out into the echoes, it yells and yells. But aren't we tired of its weary wondering? Aren't we tired of it dreary drudgery? Aren't we curious of what's on the other side of the voices? Aren't we curious of what they try and mask? So look longer, question the voices, hold them with compassion and see what pain the speak from, and what healing is on the other side. For when given grace, the dark needs not lie to get its needs met, it needs not go in circles to try and convince you, it can see rest, first in the distance, but then, closer and closer until rest seems like an honest possibility. At least something to be considered, something to be entertained. When given grace, it needs not try as hard to prove itself, for it sees its origin, it sees that before it was dark, it was light, and the years waning on and on through the noise and pain turned it sideways. Over time, it believed that sideways was its rightways, and forgot from which it fell. So trace with me, into grace, let the darkness give way to it's origin, to where it need not be dark anymore. Then the sun, once just breaking through, will become our direction, our goal, our hope, what draws us. We will gain the courage to follow it, we will walk though we don't fully see, we will find our home. Then we find, our home found us. It was calling, it was leading, it was to and through. What came before was mirage and shadow, though seemingly darkness at the time. The journey presses on, we keep our eyes forward, through the journey, we are transformed. Into one who needs not judge too quickly, one who holds paradox more readily, who is ok not knowing, needing not prove or even announce itself. We see beauty in the journey, and in what was before, and in what we are moving towards. Then we realize we share in the beauty, we share some of it's essence, which gives us more confidence to move towards it. We become what we were all along, ones loved. We learn the light was our true home all along. The arduous journey was worth the end. Finally, we can breathe. Finally there is space in our head for contemplation. Finally, we know more like we were known. Rest. Deep, soul inspiring rest. Rest for all parts, connected though not the same. We have found our home, our neuroses can find there proper place, working for and with us, moving up into the Head, which is love, which is grace, which is Presence beyond and above presence like we've ever felt. So my friends, never give up. There is another side to you pain. The struggle will not define you. You are loved. You are truly, deeply loved.