Tuesday, July 14, 2015

A Dim light at first

Darkness shall not reign over me, my first shall not be my last. In my scars, in my tears, they will not speak the final word. I want inspiration, for my cup to overflow. I need not the dim, I need not the cry. I will look up, I will look to the horizon, I will not hang my head, I will squint, and perceive that which is ahead. But I've fallen so far, I've gotten so dreary, I have become so tired. The argument wages war in my head, the never ending court room deliberates on and on and on.... so that I am tempted to to mesh their voices with my own. I can't stop swimming, I can't stop leaning in, there is nothing in nothingness, bitter in bitterness, concern in fear. The weight feels overwhelming, but I will not be crushed. For I saw a spark, when I was young. Yes I was young, but it has stayed with me. It has spoken to me in my darkest night, sometimes with more vigor, sometimes but a faint hum. But it is enough, enough for me to wake up, walk towards it, now, run towards it. All else, I am done with. I need the light. This voice, the one that showed itself to me first when young, will be my north star until my whole being realizes what my heart wants to believe. Life has not been fare, there are those that hurt, there are those that have not reached their elder years. Babies have died. People have walked on without feeling love. The light doesn't deny this, they light reaches into this and transforms from the inside out. All space, time and eternity have been touched, and when the vortex looks the bleakest, life is speaking into it, through it. We need to train ourselves to hear. It's a matter of light and dark, but the two can seem so intertwined. Patience my friend, let your mind and heart rest in grace, then let it start to discern. Light dim at first, grows, consumes. Love wins.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Never Give Up

Never give up. The obstacles might be high, the foes large and daunting. You might get told no once, twice, a thousand times. But all it takes is one yes. It's not so much recognition in the eyes of others we are looking for, but peace, with ourselves, with God. The day may have been a train wreck, the night a dim reminder of the what the day could have been, the morning, a musing of the previous. But get up still, fight, move forward, hold on to all that is holding you. Don't fear the drudgery, it was meant to be where it began. Only set your eyes on the horizon, for the new day holds new possibilities. The new day, though received in pain, will suffice to move through the pain, into and onto a new day. The darkness has already spoken. But it repeats the same message. Time after time, again and again, in time and throughout the ages, it positions itself up on it's pedestal and shouts from the street corners. But not satisfied with that, it tries to worm its way into our homes, not stopping there, into our minds, not stopping there, into our very souls, into the very fiber of our being. Like darkness calling out into the echoes, it yells and yells. But aren't we tired of its weary wondering? Aren't we tired of it dreary drudgery? Aren't we curious of what's on the other side of the voices? Aren't we curious of what they try and mask? So look longer, question the voices, hold them with compassion and see what pain the speak from, and what healing is on the other side. For when given grace, the dark needs not lie to get its needs met, it needs not go in circles to try and convince you, it can see rest, first in the distance, but then, closer and closer until rest seems like an honest possibility. At least something to be considered, something to be entertained. When given grace, it needs not try as hard to prove itself, for it sees its origin, it sees that before it was dark, it was light, and the years waning on and on through the noise and pain turned it sideways. Over time, it believed that sideways was its rightways, and forgot from which it fell. So trace with me, into grace, let the darkness give way to it's origin, to where it need not be dark anymore. Then the sun, once just breaking through, will become our direction, our goal, our hope, what draws us. We will gain the courage to follow it, we will walk though we don't fully see, we will find our home. Then we find, our home found us. It was calling, it was leading, it was to and through. What came before was mirage and shadow, though seemingly darkness at the time. The journey presses on, we keep our eyes forward, through the journey, we are transformed. Into one who needs not judge too quickly, one who holds paradox more readily, who is ok not knowing, needing not prove or even announce itself. We see beauty in the journey, and in what was before, and in what we are moving towards. Then we realize we share in the beauty, we share some of it's essence, which gives us more confidence to move towards it. We become what we were all along, ones loved. We learn the light was our true home all along. The arduous journey was worth the end. Finally, we can breathe. Finally there is space in our head for contemplation. Finally, we know more like we were known. Rest. Deep, soul inspiring rest. Rest for all parts, connected though not the same. We have found our home, our neuroses can find there proper place, working for and with us, moving up into the Head, which is love, which is grace, which is Presence beyond and above presence like we've ever felt. So my friends, never give up. There is another side to you pain. The struggle will not define you. You are loved. You are truly, deeply loved.