In a few days, in a few short hours, a baby will be born into the world. I both fear and admire this. I am elated and terrified. I both stand with eager expectation, and fear the pain she may suffer. It's a mixture of both hope and dread. Life will no longer be the same, I will have another imprinted into my heart. With this comes the possibility of great joy, but also great sorrow. I don't know how I could watch a child of mine suffer as I have. I don't know how I could stand and watch her take her first antidepressant, or antipsychotic. But, where there is the chance for great pain, comes the chance for great love, for conversion, for beauty. I know there is a plan beyond my own, a sort of redemption and mercy that watches over us humans. It speaks even into the places where we feel most afraid. "I know" it says, "I've experienced, I experience with you." My heart will forever be touched by the unfoldings of the next few days, life will be changed. I pray that my heart is open and receptive to the total experience, the full meaning of new life in this earth, both human and a divine mystery. I hope I hold my new child with all my heart, and yet let her go completely to God.
Life is a great mystery, but is total gift. Each breath our new baby breathes will be touched by the divine. There will be no where Adleigh goes where she will be totally alone. I hope to be a reflection and a flash of the deep love Christ will have for her. She is a great gift to her mother and I, and I hope I never loose sight of this.
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Saturday, August 1, 2015
Freedom in God
I look up, and see the grace coming from the horizon, I know not how to respond, "What must I do? What should I say? How should I be?" But these fall flat, they don't seem to get to the heart of it. As the grace gets closer, by body responds, almost as if it has a mind of its own. It fuzzes, stirs, writhes, and even groans. It's as if my body knew it was coming more than I, it's as if my body knows how to respond more than my mind does. The colors grow, is this a sunrise, yes, but more. It changes not only the sky, but the ground, the surface, deep and wide it comes, changing the physical, but also the abstract and the ideal seem to be changing to.
Am I to trust my body? Is this my spirit, or my soul speaking into the physicality of who I am? What if I'm wrong? What if there is more I must do? What if I'm misunderstood? Or, what if I am to give way to it, what would be on the other side. It seems the horizon offers the dancing light that seems to be growing, possibly all consuming, but it seems that it is up to me to let it consume me. My startle response says "Run! Hide! You're not ready! You're not good enough!" But my soul says, "Stay. Let it take effect. Let beauty rise. This is mystery, where given and taken are one, where duality fails and all becomes united. Which will I listen to, my mind, or the inner voice, soft, yet peaceful.
I know I've shrunken back in fear before. Tried a thousand plans in a thousand ways to earn it on my own. As much as they seem promising, the come to disappointment. I've seen this, I've experienced this. Therefore in the present, this time around, I will remain present. I will stay in the now. I will trust the inner voice. I will let my body continue on the path of rejoicing. The inner voice and the broadening horizon seem to be saying the same thing, even becoming one. Now, where what started with a recognition of my body, it seems my soul and spirit are coming to the surface as well. Maybe it's not as fragmented as I had previously thought. Maybe I didn't need to go to that place to work out my mind, this place to work out my spirit, over there to refresh my soul. No, the seem to be moving more and more in union. They are now dancing to the rhythms of the color, of the horizon. Even my mind seems to be giving way to the flow. Is this joy? Is this union? It's different then before, less me trying to assert myself, more me realizing that Jesus has been here all along. My soul dances with him. My body finds its rest in home. My heart and soul find their rest in him. All that once was separated is now one, all working together, all I tried to hold back now moves to the rhythm of the universe, it even moves to the spoken love of God. And somehow I know that this eternal beauty, will never end, but that it will be shown as higher and deeper than my desires could ever know, and therefore will carry on its waves forever. Thank you.
Am I to trust my body? Is this my spirit, or my soul speaking into the physicality of who I am? What if I'm wrong? What if there is more I must do? What if I'm misunderstood? Or, what if I am to give way to it, what would be on the other side. It seems the horizon offers the dancing light that seems to be growing, possibly all consuming, but it seems that it is up to me to let it consume me. My startle response says "Run! Hide! You're not ready! You're not good enough!" But my soul says, "Stay. Let it take effect. Let beauty rise. This is mystery, where given and taken are one, where duality fails and all becomes united. Which will I listen to, my mind, or the inner voice, soft, yet peaceful.
I know I've shrunken back in fear before. Tried a thousand plans in a thousand ways to earn it on my own. As much as they seem promising, the come to disappointment. I've seen this, I've experienced this. Therefore in the present, this time around, I will remain present. I will stay in the now. I will trust the inner voice. I will let my body continue on the path of rejoicing. The inner voice and the broadening horizon seem to be saying the same thing, even becoming one. Now, where what started with a recognition of my body, it seems my soul and spirit are coming to the surface as well. Maybe it's not as fragmented as I had previously thought. Maybe I didn't need to go to that place to work out my mind, this place to work out my spirit, over there to refresh my soul. No, the seem to be moving more and more in union. They are now dancing to the rhythms of the color, of the horizon. Even my mind seems to be giving way to the flow. Is this joy? Is this union? It's different then before, less me trying to assert myself, more me realizing that Jesus has been here all along. My soul dances with him. My body finds its rest in home. My heart and soul find their rest in him. All that once was separated is now one, all working together, all I tried to hold back now moves to the rhythm of the universe, it even moves to the spoken love of God. And somehow I know that this eternal beauty, will never end, but that it will be shown as higher and deeper than my desires could ever know, and therefore will carry on its waves forever. Thank you.
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