I'm sorry

I'm sorry for your pain.  It is yours and only yours.  No one else can claim it, you will deal with it in a way that is uniquely you.  Even if all feels like rhythm and pattern, even if your mouth is shut and your soul feels dry, there is One who is listening.  He is hurting with you.  Do not fear your sensitivity.  Do not wish it away, feel your pain.  Know you are held in it, and that through the jaws of the dragon, on the other side of death is rebirth.  Rebirth into new life.  Life not before seen.

Know that your unique way of holding the pain is unique to the universe and the story being written through time and space.  It matters.  Your pain matters.  Your tears are not empty, even if they feel that way.  If you've felt like death more than life, One feels your pain.  My friend, your pain is not your enemy, it does not cover you in darkness never again to be found.  The pain has its end.  Emptiness is only a shadow of the light.  Bitterness only beholds one angle of the truth.  Hope may be closer than you think.  Don't look abroad, to the newest teaching or the newest path of ascent.  It's deep in your soul.  In the place where flesh and spirit become one.  There is your home.  There is your rest.  You need not be someone else.  Accept yourself, for you are accepted.  Walk down the thousand latter of your life and shake hands with the naked and bare self.

Help me to see.  Open my mouth and heart.  Have my pride.  Have my entangled, estranged self.  Let me not travel to a polarity, give me the strength to bear in myself what I do not yet know.  Have my chains, that shackle my heart, and seek to put to death my creativity.

Help me to not judge, have my broken being, help me to settle into the Ground Of Being.

Hope

In the darkest night, we need not fabricate a light of our own, this will only bring on more darkness.  If I try and remember, all I remember haunts me.  If I think forward, I get trapped in the future.  I need a new consciousness.  I cannot kill myself any longer.  I will trade it in, only to awaken to the reality that was present before any of my pain.  Sometimes, my pain feels like an end in itself.  Is there any meaning to it?  Is there some direction I am heading?  I need a new mind, not one I can build.  I must take earth, combine it with the sacred, and find all was sacred all along.  Let that which is sacred arise, let light shine as it did before, as it never stopped.  I only couldn't see it.  I was looking through the wrong lens, the lens of my success.  The lens of what has worked for me in the past.  The lens of my ambition.  It worked before, why not this time?  Because everything must run its course.  Everything must be shown for what it is.  It must be revealed by fire.  A must be willing to see what I cannot see.  I must be willing to not only name the problem, I must admit I've partaken in it.  Sometimes, it's all I knew.  I must be willing to be awake, but first I must die to all that I am.  What will be left?  That which was before I am.  The great I AM.

Forgive my treachery, the places where I've been content with darkness.  The times where I thought I was an end in myself.  Where I used people, or used reputation, or fear.

The never ending thoughts trickle through my brain like raindrops falling from the open sky.  I do not want to die like this, I cannot stand myself.

Awaken me to the rest that was before I had a cell in my body.  The rest offered to us from long before I walked this earth.  I need the eternal, in both directions.  I want to believe that I was born into something, and am heading towards something.  Help.  Me.  To.  Let.  Go.  Only.  To.  Find.  It's. Better.  With.  You.

A buzzing

A buzzing is occurring, listen, can you hear it?  We need not put our ears to the door, we need only to listen to our heart.  It's inside, in between, in all the places I thought not.  Don't go there, I thought.  Yet these were the very places which needed attention, where I needed to go, sometimes with a witness.  It is sometimes in the dark where we find the light.

I cannot fix my soul.  It is too complex for me, I need a light to illuminate it, and then to show me what is helpful and not.  But I need not rage against the unhelpful parts.  Maybe I can laugh instead, and cry, and we can watch redemption use both.  If I can dare to accept the dark parts of me (though not as an end in themselves) then maybe I can accept those who are different then me.

Transformation ravages across the hills, it fills the valleys and makes wide paths once narrow.  Conversion hails from the sky, bubbles from the deep wells, thickens the air.  Am I ready?  Am I listening for it, do I dare to enter into the forgiving flow?  Here, we are all invited.

I cry out to you Blessed One Above All, help my heart to hear you.  I want to see.  I want to be open to the mystery unfolding right here, right now, in front, behind, in-between, around me.  Holy God, train my mind to rest, but only in you, be my rest, my redemption, my salvation, my freedom.  Make what is quite into a cascade of encompassing joy, may I not think I have any more right to it than anyone else.  Take me beyond judgement, beyond my condemnation, to where your store houses are.

Help...me...to...listen.