Friday, November 27, 2015

Open my Eyes (Happy Thanksgiving)

Happy day after Thanksgiving! Here's a song entitled "Open my Eyes." Hope you like it. Aaron

Sunday, November 8, 2015

A great love

A love has dawn, of which I have never seen before. Its magnitude, its frequency, blasts through my paper flesh. I am captivated. I have known good and bad, up and down, dreary and hopeful. But in all the exposition, contemplation, thinking, evaluation, I never prepared myself for the reality of it. Love crosses nations and galaxies. It's intricacies seen in the smallest of things, over and above the largest of things, in and through everything. The loudest of all sounds, yet the stillest of all calms. The stars, the sun, the planets, point in His direction, yet don't fully hold Him. There is no fight, no broken heart, that goes unbeknownst. No rejection or abandonment, not felt. Intensely felt. So that The Heart breaks with ours, even deeper than ours. It fights for us when we feel the world was put her just to break us. It doesn't fear our darkness, it knows the dark is only there until dawn. Everywhere, everything is dawning. The light shines. I dare not try and contain it. I can only give way to it. Only let go of all else I hold on to. It is in this moment, in this light, free, beautiful moment that the whole of it made sense of all my little parts, and yet the whole is calling me into more wholeness. I float on a river of redemption, only knowing the river gets deeper and wider the longer I ride. My imagination fails me, my mind tries to categorize, to put in order, to make sense, before finally joining the rest of my body in just riding. The love is new because the love is of old. Manifesting in a million different ways that which was always present. Time and space have no bearing, only signs and signals. The truth is Spirit, always creative, adding and proclaiming the beauty and love that has united all of us, generation to generation, time to time, and which erupts through all that is and can be with a force so mighty it will propel us forward for all of eternity.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Redemption

Redemption flys over the hills. It's patterns, it's grace, only known from afar. Only tasted in parts and pieces. Known, felt, but not fully grasped. Known in fragments, and in half taken breathes. Yet somehow, still known, still enough. For now I know in part, then I shall know fully, as I am fully known. Redemption makes its way through the crowds, touching everyone, Lord help me to know when it's near. There is none brighter, none who speaks more clearly, none who should be closer listened to, but we know by touching a piece, leading to another piece, leading to revelation, leading to open hearts, leading to another picture, a caricature of what is full, but enough to keep us moving forward. Sometimes, when the smoke clears, I can see more clearly. In these times, the mountains, hills, music, rhythms and dances all seem holy. There is no distinction between what is and what is to come, they are working together. In these moments, meaning is apparent, people are a grace, my troubles teachers, the unknown beautiful mystery. Thank you God. Other times, the road seems to be full of pot holes. In which I sprain my ankles. My bemoaned labors pile up, my shoulder seemingly about to crack under the pressure. Both experiences, same life. Both must be surrendered. Both leading to the holy. One by praise, the other by dependency. We need to accept both, hold both compassionately, learn to be compassionate to ourselves in both. Bad days don't mean bad people. In the darkness, there is still a light. Our ability to see it doesn't determine its reality. Now. My life is open. I accept good days with gratitude, bad as reminders of our dependency upon holy grace. I less fear the corners of myself, the far recesses where great joy and great pain live. I don't run from my feelings, they no longer have mastery over me, I'm less tossed about by the waves of my own fears. But I do not try to go feelingless, I do not deny my needs, my wishes, my desires. I can feel intensely, but also relativize my feelings. I less hold, more be held. I less try and pave my own way, more float in the river of grace. Millions upon millions of gallons flowing through all that is and all that was and all that will be. It cannot be stopped, it is beyond time and eternity, yet gentle enough to care for the deepest wound, the most sensitive soul. Help me to trust such a grace. My ever despairing thoughts, troubling me, can take promise in the One that lies beyond the eternal, beyond my troubles. Care for my soul Holy God, keep me from the darkness of trying to care for it on my own.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Back and Forth

So I play music on my own, but think about playing with others, get excited, put an add on Craigslist, get some responses, get excite, write back, freak out, and then blow the whole thing off. Why do I do this? At basic it sounds pretty simple, I love music, jamming with people sounds fun, it's freeing to me, I want to improve as a guitarist and music writer, I feel it may be fun to play with others, I have dreams of being in a band. What's wrong with that? I don't know, it's what I'm trying to figure out. Why do I freak out? Why do I go back on it? I think that on a deep level I'm afraid of what God might think of me. I afraid that if I have too much fun, or invest too deeply into music, that I won't have time for God or that he'll be disappointed that I'm not spending enough time with Him. So I cut out music, in order that I may maybe spend more time with Him, or be more connected with Him, only to get tight and not enjoy life so much. Oh it may work for a few days, but then I always come up feeling tight or unengaged. Music is scary to me, but that's partly why I love it so much. It's unpredictable. You can't put a lid on it. You can't set boundaries upon it. A heartfelt cry can be heard among the lament of a song. But the very thing that attacks me to it, the unpredictability of it, the spontaneity of, the raw release of emotions, also scares me. Growing up, I believe that part of the atmosphere I was raised in implied that emotions are to be controlled, put in order, defended against, not let out. They are to be quantified and kept at check at all times. Not too fun. Not too healthy either. But what if God made me musical? What if it is Him who draws me through the raw, naked, honest expression found in music? What if it is His spontaneity that draws me into music. What if emotions are not to be stuffed, but expressed, shared, connected with and also inviting others to connect with. Be present to the moment and honest in the moment seems to demand this. And God is the moment, the present. I need not fear music, or enjoyment. For in these moments I am free, and I am more grateful to him, happier, connected and in harmony with the universe he has created. This has been a process for me, and one I still wrestle with. I thank those who have encouraged me to live into freedom, encouraged me to be myself, encouraged me that this is all God wants. I hope that I'm always honest with myself, and don't seek to not be driven by fear. So what does this mean about my problem of putting out adds and then freaking out. I think it means more that the freak is a lie, rather than the desire to have fun. God help me to dare to live into your freedom.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Tragedy

Today I learned of a great tragedy. It seeks to destroy me, as it did him. The rage moves on. Is it the loudest voice in the universe? It took him, it has taken others, it may try and take again. What must I do in the face of such tragedy. Certainly not succumb to it. But I need to feel it, otherwise I may brush over it too quickly, not take it in, not hold it with the compassion it deserves. God give the grace to hold it, with your help, without judgement, without condemnation, without acts of rage, without retaliation, without hate. Use even this grave event, an event even this dark, to bring about reception in my soul. For out of death can come life. I don't know how much pain he was in. I don't know how many smiles he had to glue on to his face. Be present, of love that flows through the universe, we need you Jesus. Teach me how to process such things, how to let it affect me with consuming me. So much pain in this world. And today, I heard of a school shooting too. When will it stop. Are there voices of peace amidst the agony? I hold on to the good passed on to me, I hope I have the strength to pass on good to the next. It's difficult when the tragedy seems so pressing, so prevalent, so grave, so large. Oh world, let us leave our differences aside. May we come together to comfort rather than confront. May we lay down arms, and join hands. I need love just like you. You just like me. Our nations are but illusion, you have a human heart just like me. Our differences are to be celebrated, not killed. Country rages against country. Retaliation rules the day. Our different languages don't mean different meaning, different value, different needs. I don't understand you, but I want to, please help me to understand, as I want to be understood. Peace not pressure. Violence has already spoken, we have heard, we're just tired of what it says. We are ready for something else. Aggression stop now. Reprogram our societies, our nations, our peoples, our hearts with love. So that love can give birth to more love. So that our children can have it better than we did. Let's see how far love can go, we owe it to ourselves. We owe it to our children. Grace.

Monday, September 28, 2015

Song Called Fade Away

Sometimes (dark musings)

Sometimes, the cold feels more normal.  Sometimes, the deep feels shallow, the up down and the right wrong.  I have to tell the truth, I cannot lie.  Lying may have been, but shall not be.  I try and lift myself up by the bootstraps, only to find I'm not strong enough, only to find my musculature doesn't have the energy.  I fear what I say, as in I have to pretend to be perfect.  I desire fluidity, for my desires, wants, needs, wishes, body to resonate as one.

One day, far away, but becoming towards me, I will not say one thing and think another, I will not dream one thing and settle for another.  Sometimes my inconsistencies seem to get the best of me, sometimes the mirror tells me "You are unsure of yourself."

Death, as much as I try and beat it, has it's place in life.  But I don't want it to have the final say.  I miss Kurt, who could say things so raw, with so much pain, that my pain seemed lifted.  Where is my honesty.

I want to be alive.  No more discrepancies.  No more half smiles.

I want to find what is at the core of it, not what I would have it, but what is really there.  For, deep in my soul is a voice telling me the darkness, though felt, is temporary.  That at the first, that at the start, that at the very beginning, is a love, shining like a million suns, roaring like a billion oceans, bringing with it all that we thought, and infinitely more.  So that we are taken by it, caught up, lifted to a level we didn't know existed, in a realm we have only caught glances of as of yet.

But to journey here is to come naked, we must leave what's behind as just that, behind.  We must die, to be reborn, to die, to be reborn until being reborn is the story and fluidly lifts us until all we know is the sky.

We must die until we are comfortable with life.  For as of yet, we cannot behold it.  Our current view isn't sufficient.  Our current mind, unable to sit with it.

I'm yelling from the rooftops.  Stop the violence, we are one.  We come from the same place, we need each other.  I need you, you need me.  Why must we change each other, why cannot we become content to be changed together.  After all, we are stronger together.

No more wars.  No more prejudice.  No more hate.  No more division.  It's been done for us, all we have to do is to follow the pattern.  One died for all, beauty decided to be not shown, only so that it can be shown brighter.  It asks us to be the same.  We need not announce our presence, our presence is announced enough.  It was given to us, is given to us, is sustained.  We don't have to press it upon others, but to be given to another so that their light can shine brighter, then my light finds its final meaning, than I take part in what was taken part of for me.  Then I'm a part of the Big Picture, and I experience what before I merely wrote in words.

Our dreams are already dreamed for us, yet somehow they delight in our own dreams as well.  We are children, yet grow old, yet made young.  All in all, all is all, all for all.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Healthy

I want to be healthy on every level.  I want to be healthy physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  I feel this takes a balance.  If I spend tons of time at the gym, my physical body may become stronger, fitter, and I may even live longer, but if I neglect my spirituality, I may be stuck in bitterness, not enjoying the gym anyway.  On the other hand, if I spend all of my time reading spiritual books, but ignore my bodies cry for motion, or don't create the space in myself to receive what I've studied, the words I study may flow in and out of me without taking root in my being.  I believe the balance requires wisdom, trial and error and humility.  I believe that a part of wisdom is looking at a situation or a plan long enough to take it all in, all the good, all the bad, all that excites, all that confuses.  Wisdom needs not reacts too quickly, needs not formulate a response too soon, rather, it is content to let a response form while holding all options with open hands.  Wisdom not only holds all options, but nurtures them with compassion, being confident that the compassion will grow what is needed, and humbly dismiss the things needing to be dismissed.  In this environment, what is needed most by me can arise, it can arise from my soul, the deepest thirst can make itself known.  Wisdom, that is one part of it.  Trial and error, another.  Say I'm convinced a path is the right one, and I embark upon it with open arms, only be beaten up by it, discouraged and downtrodden.  I need to be open to the fact that I may not grasp the full truth, and that sometimes trying things is needed to learn whether or not it's the best option.  We need to have the freedom to both succeed and fail.  Both can be beneficial, both can teach valuable lessons.  If we fail, if we can hold it with compassionate hands, beauty can rise from the ashes.  The darkest moment in history, where God was killed by humans, the greatest tragedy, has been turned into a wellspring of sweet healing water, reaching to the depths of all that is.  Jesus was killed on the cross, but rose again so that even the things that cause death in us can be resurrected to life.  All this to say, we need not fear our failures, our mistakes, our embarrassments, our shame, for like a phoenix from the ashes, we can rise stronger, deeper and more full.  We can learn from our mistakes.  And finally, humility.  I feel that I need to approach each day as a student, willing and open to learn from each circumstance, from every moment.  Humility doesn't only mean admitting the things I need help with, but it's also a surrender that our life can be better than we thought too.  It means that we are not out of the reach of God, and that the life Jesus offers, can reach even to us.  It means he can use me, change me, hold me, and that I can receive this.  Holding on to the way things were may seem like a good idea, the past will dictate the future, right?  But I believe that in Christ it doesn't.   We are free to learn.  We are free to receive.

If we go about our  lives with an aggressive attitude, trying to plead our case, or dry the resources of others without intention of passing it on, or trying to prove our own actions or ideas, we will be frustrated.  But why wouldn't we approach life like this, we're told to reach for the stars, we're told that if we work hard enough for anything we can get it.  We're told that the victor gets the spoils, we herald hard work, love determination.  These things are not bad in themselves, but must be tempered with wisdom, with patience, with love, with a willingness to suffer with others and to suffer for ourselves.

But if I approach life like an eager student, willing to be surprised, willing to be taken aback, willing to be affected and touched, then I can hold on to things more loosely, then I can find joy in the small things.  And if I can find joy in the small things, then I can find joy in the big things.  Humility can let me enjoy the good things, and let the undesirable things even work towards my benefit.  Wisdom can hold me in the void until the thing needed the most finds the courage to come out.  Being in tune with wisdom, with love, will help me to know what areas of my life to devote time to nurturing.  Is my spirit dry?  Maybe I need to be encouraged with stories of love, hope and meaning.  Is my study dry? Then maybe I need to have fun with my friends so that I don't forget that life is not lived in the head alone.   Am I mentally and emotionally exhausted?  Then maybe I need to let rest work its healing act inside my soul so that I can once again engage in an effective way.

God grant me wisdom, willingness to try and learn from my mistakes, and humility

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Born into the world

In a few days, in a few short hours, a baby will be born into the world.  I both fear and admire this.  I am elated and terrified.  I both stand with eager expectation, and fear the pain she may suffer.  It's a mixture of both hope and dread.  Life will no longer be the same, I will have another imprinted into my heart.  With this comes the possibility of great joy, but also great sorrow.  I don't know how I could watch a child of mine suffer as I have.  I don't know how I could stand and watch her take her first antidepressant, or antipsychotic.  But, where there is the chance for great pain, comes the chance for great love, for conversion, for beauty.  I know there is a plan beyond my own, a sort of redemption and mercy that watches over us humans.  It speaks even into the places where we feel most afraid.  "I know" it says, "I've experienced, I experience with you."  My heart will forever be touched by the unfoldings of the next few days, life will be changed.  I pray that my heart is open and receptive to the total experience, the full meaning of new life in this earth, both human and a divine mystery.  I hope I hold my new child with all my heart, and yet let her go completely to God.

Life is a great mystery, but is total gift.  Each breath our new baby breathes will be touched by the divine.  There will be no where Adleigh goes where she will be totally alone.  I hope to be a reflection and a flash of the deep love Christ will have for her.  She is a great gift to her mother and I, and I hope I never loose sight of this.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Freedom in God

I look up, and see the grace coming from the horizon, I know not how to respond, "What must I do?  What should I say?  How should I be?"  But these fall flat, they don't seem to get to the heart of it.  As the grace gets closer, by body responds, almost as if it has a mind of its own.  It fuzzes, stirs, writhes, and even groans.  It's as if my body knew it was coming more than I, it's as if my body knows how to respond more than my mind does.  The colors grow, is this a sunrise, yes, but more.  It changes not only the sky, but the ground, the surface, deep and wide it comes, changing the physical, but also the abstract and the ideal seem to be changing to.

Am I to trust my body?  Is this my spirit, or my soul speaking into the physicality of who I am?  What if I'm wrong?  What if there is more I must do?  What if I'm misunderstood?  Or, what if I am to give way to it, what would be on the other side.  It seems the horizon offers the dancing light that seems to be growing, possibly all consuming, but it seems that it is up to me to let it consume me.  My startle response says "Run!  Hide!  You're not ready!  You're not good enough!"  But my soul says, "Stay.  Let it take effect.  Let beauty rise.  This is mystery, where given and taken are one, where duality fails and all becomes united.  Which will I listen to, my mind, or the inner voice, soft, yet peaceful.

I know I've shrunken back in fear before.  Tried a thousand plans in a thousand ways to earn it on my own.  As much as they seem promising, the come to disappointment.  I've seen this, I've experienced this.  Therefore in the present, this time around, I will remain present.  I will stay in the now.  I will trust the inner voice.  I will let my body continue on the path of rejoicing.  The inner voice and the broadening horizon seem to be saying the same thing, even becoming one.  Now, where what started with a recognition of my body, it seems my soul and spirit are coming to the surface as well.  Maybe it's  not as fragmented as I had previously thought.  Maybe I didn't need to go to that place to work out my mind, this place to work out my spirit, over there to refresh my soul.  No, the seem to be moving more and more in union.  They are now dancing to the rhythms of the color, of the horizon.  Even my mind seems to be giving way to the flow.  Is this joy?  Is this union?  It's different then before, less me trying to assert myself, more me realizing that Jesus has been here all along.  My soul dances with him.  My body finds its rest in home.  My heart and soul find their rest in him.  All that once was separated is now one, all working together, all I tried to hold back now moves to the rhythm of the universe, it even moves to the spoken love of God.  And somehow I know that this eternal beauty, will never end, but that it will be shown as higher and deeper than my desires could ever know, and therefore will carry on its waves forever.  Thank you.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

A Dim light at first

Darkness shall not reign over me, my first shall not be my last. In my scars, in my tears, they will not speak the final word. I want inspiration, for my cup to overflow. I need not the dim, I need not the cry. I will look up, I will look to the horizon, I will not hang my head, I will squint, and perceive that which is ahead. But I've fallen so far, I've gotten so dreary, I have become so tired. The argument wages war in my head, the never ending court room deliberates on and on and on.... so that I am tempted to to mesh their voices with my own. I can't stop swimming, I can't stop leaning in, there is nothing in nothingness, bitter in bitterness, concern in fear. The weight feels overwhelming, but I will not be crushed. For I saw a spark, when I was young. Yes I was young, but it has stayed with me. It has spoken to me in my darkest night, sometimes with more vigor, sometimes but a faint hum. But it is enough, enough for me to wake up, walk towards it, now, run towards it. All else, I am done with. I need the light. This voice, the one that showed itself to me first when young, will be my north star until my whole being realizes what my heart wants to believe. Life has not been fare, there are those that hurt, there are those that have not reached their elder years. Babies have died. People have walked on without feeling love. The light doesn't deny this, they light reaches into this and transforms from the inside out. All space, time and eternity have been touched, and when the vortex looks the bleakest, life is speaking into it, through it. We need to train ourselves to hear. It's a matter of light and dark, but the two can seem so intertwined. Patience my friend, let your mind and heart rest in grace, then let it start to discern. Light dim at first, grows, consumes. Love wins.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Never Give Up

Never give up. The obstacles might be high, the foes large and daunting. You might get told no once, twice, a thousand times. But all it takes is one yes. It's not so much recognition in the eyes of others we are looking for, but peace, with ourselves, with God. The day may have been a train wreck, the night a dim reminder of the what the day could have been, the morning, a musing of the previous. But get up still, fight, move forward, hold on to all that is holding you. Don't fear the drudgery, it was meant to be where it began. Only set your eyes on the horizon, for the new day holds new possibilities. The new day, though received in pain, will suffice to move through the pain, into and onto a new day. The darkness has already spoken. But it repeats the same message. Time after time, again and again, in time and throughout the ages, it positions itself up on it's pedestal and shouts from the street corners. But not satisfied with that, it tries to worm its way into our homes, not stopping there, into our minds, not stopping there, into our very souls, into the very fiber of our being. Like darkness calling out into the echoes, it yells and yells. But aren't we tired of its weary wondering? Aren't we tired of it dreary drudgery? Aren't we curious of what's on the other side of the voices? Aren't we curious of what they try and mask? So look longer, question the voices, hold them with compassion and see what pain the speak from, and what healing is on the other side. For when given grace, the dark needs not lie to get its needs met, it needs not go in circles to try and convince you, it can see rest, first in the distance, but then, closer and closer until rest seems like an honest possibility. At least something to be considered, something to be entertained. When given grace, it needs not try as hard to prove itself, for it sees its origin, it sees that before it was dark, it was light, and the years waning on and on through the noise and pain turned it sideways. Over time, it believed that sideways was its rightways, and forgot from which it fell. So trace with me, into grace, let the darkness give way to it's origin, to where it need not be dark anymore. Then the sun, once just breaking through, will become our direction, our goal, our hope, what draws us. We will gain the courage to follow it, we will walk though we don't fully see, we will find our home. Then we find, our home found us. It was calling, it was leading, it was to and through. What came before was mirage and shadow, though seemingly darkness at the time. The journey presses on, we keep our eyes forward, through the journey, we are transformed. Into one who needs not judge too quickly, one who holds paradox more readily, who is ok not knowing, needing not prove or even announce itself. We see beauty in the journey, and in what was before, and in what we are moving towards. Then we realize we share in the beauty, we share some of it's essence, which gives us more confidence to move towards it. We become what we were all along, ones loved. We learn the light was our true home all along. The arduous journey was worth the end. Finally, we can breathe. Finally there is space in our head for contemplation. Finally, we know more like we were known. Rest. Deep, soul inspiring rest. Rest for all parts, connected though not the same. We have found our home, our neuroses can find there proper place, working for and with us, moving up into the Head, which is love, which is grace, which is Presence beyond and above presence like we've ever felt. So my friends, never give up. There is another side to you pain. The struggle will not define you. You are loved. You are truly, deeply loved.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Alive

I am awake with the light. The light dawns over dreariness, into our open hearts. We crave the light, it guides us into the realm of matter and energy, a place only dreamt about on this side of eternity. Our creativity flows from it, eats when not spoken, desires to shout across the galaxies. In the wine of our emotions we know there is more. A flower from a seed, a need from a broken person, a well from the shore. We are here, there you are, little between us, in fact, we are together, we are one. Our differences are shadows and film, they only seek to lie. My brothers, my sisters, let us let down our drowning points, and be found naked and free. Unashamed, in the glory of the One who holds the glory. Trample down the dividing wall, the curtain is torn, now tear the curtains in our hearts, in our living rooms, across nations and glory. For we seek the same, we are part of the same, we are nearer to Heart than we think, and the Heart is yours, the Heart is mine. I lie awake, weak from weariness, drunk from tears. I need not tell my story, it's one you've heard a thousand times. But somehow, there is an originality, a newness of form, a calmness of soul. Where I am, where I've gone, into tirelessness, dreams and drudge. But the originality speaks to me, the light shone, the angels sang, and there I was, touched, tears freely flowing, finally knowing as I was known. The realm of the heavens opened up my tight locked head, my cries were heard! My heart loved! My selfhood delighted in! Let crayons and all before lay beyond, for I am found, I am held, I am vulnerable, my troubled heart has found a friend. This friend doesn't overwhelm me, my smoldering wick he lightly nourishes, my broken spirit he gently holds, and this holding is enough, somehow my soul knows not to move, not to fight, not to tear away, only to rest. Necessity is no longer the name of the game, in fact, it's no longer a game. It's a loving gaze, going out and returning at the same time. Its a transcendent action, both done, sustained and completed at the same time. No longer will I lie in pity, no longer will all I do be colorless, no more can my story be the same. The one that joined is also the one who freed, the one that made all one also gave me my name. My blood now flows through his story, my blood now joins the cells of those gone before, we are together, we are one. The blood and transgression were only temporary, the eternity now is shown.

Song about Mystery

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Through It All

Here's a song entitled through it all.  Through it all, we are held, we are watched, we are loved.

Adleigh Joy

Here's a song I wrote for my unborn daughter.  Adleigh, I hope your life is full of joy and laughter.  I hope you live a deep, rich and meaningful life, and I want to be there to catch any tears you may cry.

Surrender

Here's a song I've written entitled surrender. Life is a surrender to something bigger, a falling into a deeper love. We need not work for it, only accept it. It's waiting for us, in a way we never thought, in a way that knows us personally and delights in us.

Monday, May 18, 2015

On the other side of suffering

On the other side of suffering, lies a great joy.  This joy cannot be silenced, it calls out from the roof tops, from the mountains, it is deeper than the seas, more expansive than the heaves.  Nothing can stop this joy, it pours, it calls, it ripens, it deepens, it makes more rich.  The call is for you, is for me, it all points to the hopeful future we are all called to.  To when our pain gives way to comfort, to when our mental gymnastics give way to peace, to where our home lies, beyond the silver planes, beyond the doubts of fortitude, beyond the highways and interstates we may find ourselves strewn across.  The hope rises above the mountains, makes its way into the babies' hearts, is found where unexpected, is present even when we don't seek it.

In humility, holy Father, help me to accept your love.  Help me to see that you see me through eyes of love, through eyes of peace, through eyes of grace.  Be my only goal, my hearts song, let praise flow from me.  Lift me from the dark night, let my mind finally rest.  Help me to not fight myself anymore, let me find rest from my struggles.  You see them, you know them, have them.  Help my life to be filled with your passion, help me to see each day as gift.  Help me to not fear your embrace.  Clean me from the inside out, let my body and heart and mind finally work together.  Help my present, future and past finally work together.  Let me not be at enmity with myself, with others.  Help your presence to be my story, let it so fill my life that I desire nothing else.  Be to me my all, my love, my hope.  I seek you in my desperation, in my hope, in my confusion, in my tightness, with my gloom.  Be near to me, nearer than my own heart, nearer than my songs, nearer than my prayers.  Be before jobs, fear, complacency, bitterness, let no bitter root grow up in me.  Help me to see me how you do, to see others how you do, to love you Jesus.  Have this struggle, my sexuality, my vision, my grief and sadness.  Have mercy on me a sinner, have mercy on me a sinner.  Be welcome in my heart, be welcome in my present.  I cast all my worries upon you, I cast all my fear to you, I cast all my apprehension to you, I call upon you, help me to seek you today, tomorrow, forever.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

All Working Together

Sometimes, reading helps sooth me and set my mind on truth.  Sometimes playing guitar helps release tension for me, helps me to have fun, helps me to connect with my body.  Sometimes contemplation helps me focus on the embrace of the Loving One.  Sometimes prayer helps me to connect with life beyond myself, and can help me feel grounded .  Sometimes listening to hard rock can bring me happiness.

There are days where I may need all of these things, others where I need to enjoy music to recharge to engage on the others at another time.  For me, as I'm enjoying, I think that I'm usually evaluating to make sure that the enjoyment somehow ties into the rest of the picture.  I feel this at the same time a blessing and a curse.  I can look at the meaning in things and work towards a comprehensive view of things.  However, also if I don't have a meaning or reason for what I'm doing readily available I can feel guilty or awkward for enjoying.

However, faith says that prayer is good, so is enjoyment.  Faith says that contemplation can be peaceful, so can playing guitar and engaging the body.  Faith says, "Let God care for you through reading," but also says, "Enjoy my child, enjoy."

At times I have images of God that I contemplate or maybe that just come into my head.  One of these images is that of a father, playing with his child on the floor.  The father isn't concerned if the child gets it right, isn't concerned if the child says the right things.  All the father cares about is if the child experiences life.  The father's actions and reactions to the child are all about more life.  The father plays with the child, tries to help the child to laugh, to dream, to feel secure, to be happy, to enjoy deeply and richly.  And this enjoyment isn't given in a way that demands penance, demands something in return, the enjoyment, the accepted love is enough.  As the child grows, it will naturally love the father back as it sees and learns to see the father's generosity, as it grows into the gift.

In light of this image, I can enjoy.  I can read and connect, I can listen to hard rock and enjoy, I can laugh, I can pray, I can contemplate, I can live.  I can learn to see that freedom and deep relationship with God are the same thing.  I need not compartmentalize my life, seeking God for spiritual nourishment, searching elsewhere for enjoyment.  God is pure gift, and wants us to live life full, richly, deeply.  And in this way, our hearts are shaped towards gratitude, which is what the Father desires.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Song for Mom

This instrumental is dedicated to my mom.  She always there and always caring for us.  Thanks mom for all that you've been, hope you enjoy this song.  Love you!

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Gratitude

Life is gift.  We don't always experience it this way, but at the heart of human experience, is that life is gift.  At the beginning of time for us humans, God breathed into us and gave us life.  Communion with him was possible.  We weren't afraid ourselves at this time, we were a slave to worry.  It wasn't about who comes out on top, but rather about a shared love.  This love defined us.  We didn't need to self medicate, or move so fast to drown out the hurt inside of ourselves.  Life was truly gift, and truly good. Reflecting on this can be helpful.  Before we had the chance for pain or to be hurt we were instilled with life.  Before we were confused, frustrated, angry, alone, we were cherished, delighted in, held.  In the midst of our pain, to pause and remember this was never the way it was meant to be can bring some relief.  We were not created for pain, it does not define us.  The messages it tells us are never the final say.

Knowing this about our beginnings can provide some direction to our future.  If I wasn't meant for pain, am not meant for it now, or never will be meant for it than I can have more confidence to live into a full life, to accept life as gift.  I can better plan a healthy and wholesome life for myself.  I can accept grace because this was always my true home.  In my mental map of my life and I can allow myself to move into space where more gratitude is present, because when I look back I see that each moment is gift, each to be enjoyed, each to be built upon.  Also, we can let go of hurts and hangups more easily because these neither were what we were made for.  They are unfortunate things that happened along the way, but in the end will not last.  The anger in my heart isn't the truest identity of who I am, and therefore I can deal with it and let it go.

So let us move toward gratitude.  Let us live fully, engaging ourselves in the quest for fullness, for celebration.  After all, we are celebrated more than we can celebrate ourselves.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

New Life

Let life ring from the rooftops, let beauty flow from eternity into the present, into our hopes and dreams.  In all things, let us lay down arms, take up each others souls, carry each others' pain, hold on to the one holding us.  In this way, sister and brother, shape me as we are together shaped into the echoes and mercies of eternity.  Forever begins with new dawns light, it's in the present, the truest reality.  My heart years to be full, with mystery, with fluorescence and grace, in utter gratitude and celebration.  It's not what's not, but what is.  There is so much more to say about what is than what is not.  He is for us, in every way, never to be feared, only to be accepted, with welling heart and hearts tender to mercy.

He bled, he died, he rose, he lives.  Bigger than my mistakes, brighter than the darkness, the joy vibrating through the hearts of every human.  Yet his love doesn't stop with humans, his loving gaze pierces the crocodiles skins, waits for the slumbering bear, is attune to all of creation.  The light shines, may we ponder this for eternity, while it never looses its luster, only shines brighter and brighter, own job than becomes one of receiving, one of openness, one of gratitude, one of transparency.

Your bright won't look like mine, mine not like yours, but we will complement each other until the fullness of the full is shown and we shown as pieces of it.  In the end, there will be an embrace waiting for us, one that neither discriminates nor condemns.  We cannot earn the embrace, only accept it, only rest in it.  Beyond time, outside space, the lives throughout the years have drunk from the same river of life, the Wellspring flowing throughout infinity.

Holy Savior Jesus, teach my mind and heart to be eternally open to you, to your mystery and grace.  Let heart sing for joy in you, my soul find rest in your redemption.  Just speak to me, let all other voices be silenced, train my heart to find you.  In my musings, in my poetry, may they be breading grounds to see you in new ways, may they be floors of which I stand in you.  My life, however much or little I have left, is yours.  Take from me splitting, fear, pettiness, condemnation, judgement, hate of myself and others, anxiety, teach me to love.  Whatever road you would have for me, help me to walk it.  Whatever plans you have for me, help me to live it.  What ever call you may have on my life, help me to fulfill it.  And in every way, be my inspiration, my dreams, my hope, my mercy, and my love.  While my years wane, I know your years shall not, while I dry up, you spring new life, while I grow weary, you hold the nations in your hands.  Let all on every continent praise you, my we be one, as you are one.  My I be an instrument of peace, let the gospel flow through my being, and may this life, this gift forever find its giftedness in you.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Resting in Love

We are created in love, from top to bottom.  From start to finish.  We can try and run from this, but we will find it waiting for us where we look to hide.  It becomes our job to learn to rest in this love, in this truest and deepest identity of us.  It may feel weird at first, like a foreign land.  But learning to let it wash over us, learning to find our strength there, can be for us a new home.  In the Ultimate embrace, we're not so different from each other, we are just people in need of love.

I have things I enjoy in life, I've enjoyed playing guitar and writing songs.  I like to write on this blog.  I like listening to good music.  I worry about how much of the different things to do in my life.  Should I join a band?  Should I aspire to write a book?  Should I dedicate 4 hours a day to contemplative prayer. But I go about trying to discern these things with a linear mind, with rationale thinking.  And in this way, I'll never come out with a satisfactory answer.  I can come up with what I call the best, the most balanced, the most life giving plan only to find it doesn't work, get frustrated with it, and give up on it maybe even in the same day.  This is because I am made for communion.  What I discover about my life, needs to be done in and through relationship with the transcendent Other, with God.  My heart yearns for communion, for union, for meaning, to be held.  This embrace, the embrace of love, needs to be my first desire, and then let the other things fall as they will.

It's so hard for us, because of the images of God we were given to say that God's embrace is all we need.  If I was given a god who is in heaven looking for ways to judge us, or is pretty angry at us while we must look for ways to appease this anger, than I believe the deepest and most truest part of us will actually reject this notion of God.  In this way we can become split.  Our minds trying to conform to the rules of this angry god while our hearts yearn for true union.  Our minds trying to conform to duty and law, to rules and finding favor in God's sight, while our hearts, bodies and instincts yearn to do something we enjoy, something real. But if we can get past the images of God we were given, past the subtle fear instilled into us, if we can see Him as one with arms wide open, wanting us to enjoy life more than we want to enjoy life, than we can be changed.  We cannot be changed by the image of an angry god, or at least not for the better.  But if we can see God as one who enjoys us, delights in us, in near to us, cares for our hearts, works to help us stop waging war against ourselves, calling our hearts, bodies, minds and souls into peace and union with each other, we can be changed by that.  All of the sudden, this becomes the one call on my life.  All else can be let go of.  But not in some self-punishing way where we give up what we love out of self-deprivation, on the contrary these things take their proper places and start working for us even more.

But resting in love can take practice.  Sometimes it can take slowing down long enough to hear our inner voices, to hear what our soul cries out for, and to meet this cry with compassion, with grace, with love.  It's an unlearning of the hurried lifestyles I feel so many of us live.  It can even be scary to rest in love.  Our fears can rise to the surface, we can do battle with our inner impulses.  But the rising and processing of the fears and voices can help them to come to rest.  I see this as possibly my main job as a therapist, to listen to the inner world of another and to help them meet it with self compassion and grace.  In this way, we can split less.  We don't need to hide our inner desires from ourselves anymore, we have created the space inside of us to accept them, to meet them with love.  Finally they have found there home, finally they don't have to cry out "Listen to me!  I feel so alone!"  So we may rest in love for a little while, our senses may awaken, and we say "Wow!  What was that?"  And we may run from it.  Remember, we were taught that God is to be feared.  So if we awaken a little more to him, of course  we are going to be scared.  But this is all part of the process.  Over time, the fear can give way to joy, the apprehension to communion.

So in light of all this, I need not worry about how much of each part of my life to do.  The questions I raise seem to have less importance when my life is more given over to love, when I'm doing things out of passion and not because I think I should.  I must then let passion grow inside of me, I must employ love as my guide, I must trust the process and if I give my life over to love, it will always be better than I planned it.  For all I know, I might not wake up tomorrow.  But I want to learn to believe that eternity speaks louder than the temporary in this life.  That heaven can start to be given here on this earth.  That the invitation is to trust, is to live out of a Greater Source, to let the wellspring of life flow in and through us.  Then our part to play will be given, and not taken, and in my resting I will find what truly brings me and others life.

Journey with me into a trust in the One who is love.

Friday, March 13, 2015

Song for Tyce

This instrumental is dedicated to my friend Tyce.  Tyce was my best friend growing up, and we also used to make and record music together.  He is still a good friend and he has a realness about him that is refreshing and that encourages me to do the same.  Tyce and I have both had ups and downs in our lives and I'm glad I get to journey with him through both the highs and lows.  Thanks Tyce and I hope you like this song.


Saturday, March 7, 2015

Song for Wes

This song is dedicated to my counselor Wes.  He's always working for my freedom and for the things that work for me.  He's spiritual in a new and refreshing way.  Thanks Wes for journeying with me.

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Music Project

I have decided to write and post one new instrumental song every two weeks starting today (basically March 1st).  This means by March 1st 2016 I will have posted 21 new songs.  I'm excited about this project and seek to grow creatively.  Each of these songs will be dedicated to someone.  This first song is dedicated to my nephew Ari, about the coolest little kid you'll ever meet.  Love you Ari, hope some day you'll enjoy this song!

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Expecting father

So my wife is pregnant, yep, I'm going to be a father.  A little person will soon be in the world, and my wife and I will be responsible for it.  Crazy.  I don't know what all it will entail, but I feel that it will change everything.  It will be crazy to hold a helpless little someone in my arms, someone who is dependent upon Charissa and I for food, love and everything.  I hope that I am changed by this journey, I hope I let it affect me down to the core.

I want to be present with my children, as they grow and when they are young.  I want them to know they are special to me, that I'm willing to lay down other things to play with them.  I don't want them to have any doubt that I am in love with them.  This will definitely mean sacrifice, but also great joy.  I hope to impart to my children hope, the idea that they are good, can do good, are a part of something good.  I want to build them up, to help them believe in themselves, in the inherent good in life.  I want to show them love, so they can always come back to this, so that they will have a safe home base, and can feel confident to explore, knowing they will be safe when they come home.

And as I seek a loving gaze towards my children, I hope to learn more about the Father's love for me.  The one who gave all for me, the one who gives all for me.  The one who doesn't care as much if I believe right, who cares more that I jump into his open arms.  The one who cries with me, laughs with me, is full of joy when I'm full of joy.  I hope this is the example I follow as a father, and I hope that being a father will teach me a little more about this indefinite love.

And above all I say to my kids, I want to set a good example for them.  I want to teach them the joy in giving, about servant love.  I want to lay down my life for them, like the Good Shepherd has done for me.  I want to display for them the redemptive pattern in the universe, that death is a gateway to new life, to renewal, to love.  I want this not only to be head knowledge for them, I want them to feel it from me, to feel confident in engaging mystery because they see their father doing the same.  I want to live in full joy, full freedom, full grace so they don't have to fight for these things for themselves later on in life, or discover them later to realize I could have helped them with this earlier.

Also, above what I teach them or what I display for them, I know I must hold them with open hands.  Before they are mine, before they are their mother's, they are Gods.  That is where they came from, that is ultimately what they need.  This is where they will find their greatest joy, this is where they will find their truest calling.  I can be a guide for this, but I must also respect their independent personhood and the person God has created them to be.  I want my greatest joy to be found in them finding their greatest joy.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Beginners Mind

I want to always have a beginners mind, a mind that is ready to see things in a new light.  I need not already have arrived at all the conclusions, in fact if I have, then I'm no longer open to learning from grace.  Our society stresses education, books, achievement, arriving somewhere only to look for the bigger and better.  Information seems to rule the day.  But I could read all the books in the universe, I could solve the most difficult equations without my heart being changed.  I could achieve the highest degree in the land, and still not be happy.

In contrast to this, stands the beginners mind.  The beginners mind is ready to learn, ready to integrate, ready to hold paradox.  The beginners mind might take the form of a child, laughing, ready to let go of all for new life.  If I stand before an infinite God, the only stance to take is that of a beginners mind.  We need to be all ears, ready to take in, ready to be changed.  This may look like a return to simplicity. I could study the Bible, go to seminary, learn Hebrew and Greek, but then only find life in returning to a simply joy, a simple faith, a simple experience of God.

A beginners mind does't need formal education to learn, it is ready to learn from each moment.  We enter into the moment with arms open, ready to engage, ready to hold all the seeming contradictions, ready to laugh.  The beginners mind doesn't take itself too seriously.  Maybe it has in the past but then learned the stagnation in this.  Maybe it learned the freedom in being able to laugh at itself and laugh with others.  Maybe it learned that the laughing joined us more than defining what is right and wrong.

If the first 30 years of life were about learning, defining ourselves, paving our way, making our mark on the work, achieving, then the next 30 should be about letting go, unity, compassion, seeing God in everything, unlearning the places where we find our security in anything but radical grace.  I believe that in our society, we are good at encouraging people in the tasks of the first half of life, not so much the tasks of the second half.

I believe that a beginners mind is important to return to for all people.  If you were raised with an oppressive theology, one where God only chose a few, where some were created specifically for his wrath, where rule and duty spoke louder than new life, where defining what groups, beliefs or people we're against ruled out instead of learning what grace we are for, than learning about love can simultaneously be an unlearning of oppressive theology.  I believe that returning to a beginners mind has a certain respect for the goodness in humanity.  If I think I was born evil, ready and waiting to sin, that my flesh must be dispelled, or at least denied, than I will fear returning to simplicity or to what I am at my core.  If I think in these ways, then I may construct beliefs and schemas to rule and dominate the body and mind, to try and control the evil passions I fear may be teeming under the surface.  This is why our religious belief and theology can actually support living in an inauthentic way.  If I was taught I am bad, spirituality needs to deal with these thoughts and core beliefs rather than erect constructs to deny, keep hidden, relativize, or not deal with our core assumptions.

If on the other hand I believe that we are at core image bearers of God, if I believe in the goodness created into everything that was present before the fall, than I will fear less a return to simplicity.  Why?  Because I will see that at the core of everything, a goodness is present.  I will see that before sin entered the world God was present, and he was good, and a returning back to the truth is a return to this.  Underlying all is a presence that can be trusted.  From this presence we can trace our origin.  In this presence, we can find our beginners mind, ready to accept life, at times laughing in joy and at times weeping over the tragedy in our world.

God grant me a beginners mind.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Acceptance (In your eyes)

I found acceptance in your eyes.  There was no  judgement there.  I found what was seeking me.  I fell in love.  Love itself shown itself to me.  I let go of all my fear, I felt no need to hold to it.  In you, I found my home.  All now makes sense, my strange mistrust of myself has finally been put to rest.

Hope is my new language.  Acceptance my new plan.  Love the new home base.  Moving forward, isn't so much of a moving as an awakening.  More and more I will awaken to you, more and more fade into you.

Fear shall not be my partner, I shall not lie down troubled.  I wake up to the morning light, the light dawning before the beginning of time.  Light is the truest story, the ancient wisdom.  Light has been, will be, is.  I shall not be lost in night, I have heard the call, I know where I must go.

Comfort me oh peace, be brighter to me than the mocking voices.  Let me not fret over them, let me not dismay over what cannot bring grace.  Help me to be patient with my own darkness, not as a surgeon, excising my own cancer, but as a patient, taking part in the great healing.

Meet me here oh love, let me rest in you.  Please let my eyes, my body, find solace here.  Lift up my head, my forlorn posture.  Straighten my twisted being.  In all things, don't let me go.

Light dawned in the darkness, the night gave way to day, and now the sun nourishes our skin, we drink deeply of grace.

Let us find the courage to be, to be with you in the now.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Thirst for the Transcendent

We each have a thirst for meaning, for the transcendent.  We want to know that what we do matters, or that it can.  We have an ingrained desire to be a part of something that is bigger than us.  We want better for our children than we have had ourselves.  We despair over the wars of the world.  We question and doubt when tragedy is near to us.  But we don't want to believe that this is the final say.  We don't want to believe that it ends here.  In our darkest parts, we ache for renewal, for rebirth.  If a desire for good wasn't woven into the fabric of who we are, we could call all as dark and give up.  But something nags at us, something tugs at the strings of our heart and soul, saying, "Just hang in there a little bit longer, trust me."  This is why suffering can be one of our greatest teachers.  Suffering takes all of our previous schemas and wrecks them, but if we are willing to see it this way, takes us beyond them.  In suffering, we cry out for deliverance, we seek answers beyond what we know.  We don't desire suffering, nor should we, but we must learn to not dismiss it.  We must learn to not cover it up or deny it.  What is my suffering trying to say to me right now?  Where is my current way of viewing things or current goals falling short?

Being open to learning from suffering is a grace.  And when I've suffered, and then felt the renewal, my eyes are opened to a new life around me.  I see with new lenses.  Suffering paired with grace has worked its mystery in me.  And now I can even seek the learning, the new life, before the suffering.  My defenses towards grace have lessened.

Whether it's disenchantment with the world at large, or exhaustion at the battles of our own hearts and minds, we can become downtrodden and burdened.  But our failures, our hardships, can become our greatest teachers.  We don't need to fear the dark parts of ourselves, they are but gateways to deeper grace.  They open us up towards the transcendent, to a stance more dependent on grace, on mystery.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Beyond Stigma

We each may have our stigmas.  It may be the environment, or be derived from personal experience.  Maybe we're uncomfortable with those that are gay.  May we shy away from those with mental illnesses.  Maybe we hate people of color.  It's good to recognize where we stigmatize, where we are biased or judge.  The goal isn't to hate ourselves for our prejudices, but the goal is to grow in a compassion for others and to let God accomplish his work in both us and our outlook on others.

I work as a mental health counselor with those given various diagnoses of mental illnesses.  I don't want to judge them, or even prescribe a set course of therapy for them, just because of their diagnosis.  I want to see them as individual, as unique, as having their own precious and special gift to offer the world.  I want to love the whole individual, not the person with the diagnosis.  I feel we hear certain diagnoses and become squeamish, or immediately prescribe a bleak prognosis.  What is those with disorders were not looked down upon, or thought of as a drain on society, but as each able to encounter God in their unique way, in a way that I cannot.  If thought about in this way, a diagnosis becomes just another label, much less a life sentence.

We need to not live our lives in reaction.  I feel sometimes we know much more what we are against than what we are for.  Being for love is the only way we truly know that we are ok in being against evil.  God is for us, using even our flaws to bring himself glory and to teach us greater dependence on him.

It can help to pay attention to our thoughts and reactions when encountering others.  What people group are my hotspots?  Gays? The disabled?  Those on welfare?  What are my immediate reactions when I see these people, or hear of them in conversation.  Starting to pay attention to this can open us up to the possibility of grace in our shortcomings.  We can invite God into the dialogue, asking for his opinion to be made known.  We need not fear awareness.  On the contrary, we can ask the Holy Spirit to aid us in resting in a compassion where we can let go more and more of our prejudices, learning to love others and ourselves at a deeper level.

Spirituality by Subtraction

Living in the now, being present with now, is the highest calling.  This is because the now is all we have.  We're not promised tomorrow, and the past is just that, the past.  We need to stop trying to create the now to be what we want it to be, and work harder at seeing it for what it is.  We need to learn to trust it, to trust the grace in the now.  This is because the now is where God is, and is where he is inviting us to be with him.  Anytime I hide behind the mask of fear, I'm not in the now.  Any time I've conjured up my own feelings, thoughts or reactions, I'm not in the now.  Seeking God in the now means letting go of my agenda.  It means finding God on God's terms, not trying for a personal accomplishment and then seeking God to bless it.

It's tempting to strive for a spirituality of addition.  It's tempting to try and cover all our bases with the right theology, then add a little of service to others, and then to go to sleep at night proud and self-righteous.  But we can do all the right actions with the wrong motives.  Was I moved by love by my actions, or did I do to look good in the eyes of others?  Did I seek to join with the efforts of love, to seek to participate in the joy that is found in communion with God, to know God for the sake of knowing God, or did I seek to check another mark on my "What I did" sheet.

I must acknowledge that while we are on this earth, our intentions will never be totally pure, sin will be right beside us.  But this shouldn't take us from the fight.  God doesn't shame us for this.  It takes humility to desire good, but to be patient with the bad in us.  Refining and purification is God's work, and our waging war against ourselves will not hurry the process.  Patience is a virtue.

I believe that our goal should be a spirituality by subtraction.  We need to cut the layers away, finding a place where we are in union with God.  This might mean we give up our hurried lifestyle, or our worries.  It might mean we need less of our own thoughts, or less of our own constructs, and more learning in quiet waiting.  It might mean that we need to be less quick to react, more quick to allow grace.

In the beginning of our lives, we come forth, beautiful and totally dependent on others.  I believe that the task of our life is to work to become with dependent on God.  When we die, we take nothing with us, only the soul lives on.  And our souls in this life are already longing for their home, we desire that which is eternal, we desire mystery and a love that will swallow up all.  Why should we starve our souls from what they desire.  Mystery is present, we need to learn to be present with it.  I believe this happens less and less by our actions, more and more through trust and faith.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Presence

I need only be in his presence.  All else will let me down, all else is but a shadow and reflection of his reality.  He can be found everywhere, but is bound by nothing.  In my darkest night, in the gleamest hurt, his reality shines.  I must let go, I must recede control to him.  I need to trust his gentle call, to trust the true life in the midst of sulfur.

I see the presence, I move toward it, I hesitate, I fear, I notice the presence is moving towards me.  Maybe this whole time, maybe as I've been seeking it, maybe it's been seeking me more, harder.  Sometimes days are harder than others, some days reign like burning fire, but there is a stillness, a quietness, a solitude in the midst of storm.

This, be my home.  Let me grow in my capacity for rest, for true peace, for eternal joy.  I must let all else go, I cannot make suffering my god, I must give myself to the great Lover, the Lover of my soul, the Lover of all that is in all, through all, to all.

Once I ran, but now I must rest.  I used to desire fire, rain, decrepit shackles, now I must turn to peace.

I had a dream.  In this dream all was bright, all was good, all was love, all was one.  I will forever be changed by this dream.  Though it must be accepted by faith, nothing else will live up to this dream.  I'm drawn by it, called by it, taken by it.  Where the darkest night is replaced by the brightest light.  Where you and I are both here, and them and they all get along, and forever we lay our fighting down and join hands to sing a song, a song of love.  In this dream, the light seeks all, finds all, is in all, through all.  Nothing else seems as important.  Nothing else as deep.  Nothing as beautiful.  The dream encompasses all, is shining and is a dream not only dreamed by us, but to us, and through us.

We are farmers, we are miners, we are lawyers, we are homeless, we are wealthy, we are African, we are Korean, we are sinners, we are good, we are layman and preachers, women and men, forever a song being sung that no one can take away, written forever in the pages of eternity, we are art, we are beauty, we are God's creation, and we are forever stamped as good.

Let me grow in my faith, that is more precious than gold, though refined by fire, let me grow in compassion, in loving, in building bridges, in beauty and grace.  Let me grow to reflect the light more and more, I give myself to your hands Lord God.


Monday, January 5, 2015

Song for Charissa

Hello, I'm posted a song I wrote for Charissa and sang for her as a part of a Christmas present.  When I proposed to her, I had a series of gifts she opened and activities that we did and and at one point I sang a song I had written for her.  I wanted to do something special for her this Christmas so I did a similar thing where I gifts, activities and a song.  Here is the song I sang to her, I hope you like it.  So grateful to be married to Charissa Matthias.