Back and Forth

So I play music on my own, but think about playing with others, get excited, put an add on Craigslist, get some responses, get excite, write back, freak out, and then blow the whole thing off. Why do I do this? At basic it sounds pretty simple, I love music, jamming with people sounds fun, it's freeing to me, I want to improve as a guitarist and music writer, I feel it may be fun to play with others, I have dreams of being in a band. What's wrong with that? I don't know, it's what I'm trying to figure out. Why do I freak out? Why do I go back on it? I think that on a deep level I'm afraid of what God might think of me. I afraid that if I have too much fun, or invest too deeply into music, that I won't have time for God or that he'll be disappointed that I'm not spending enough time with Him. So I cut out music, in order that I may maybe spend more time with Him, or be more connected with Him, only to get tight and not enjoy life so much. Oh it may work for a few days, but then I always come up feeling tight or unengaged. Music is scary to me, but that's partly why I love it so much. It's unpredictable. You can't put a lid on it. You can't set boundaries upon it. A heartfelt cry can be heard among the lament of a song. But the very thing that attacks me to it, the unpredictability of it, the spontaneity of, the raw release of emotions, also scares me. Growing up, I believe that part of the atmosphere I was raised in implied that emotions are to be controlled, put in order, defended against, not let out. They are to be quantified and kept at check at all times. Not too fun. Not too healthy either. But what if God made me musical? What if it is Him who draws me through the raw, naked, honest expression found in music? What if it is His spontaneity that draws me into music. What if emotions are not to be stuffed, but expressed, shared, connected with and also inviting others to connect with. Be present to the moment and honest in the moment seems to demand this. And God is the moment, the present. I need not fear music, or enjoyment. For in these moments I am free, and I am more grateful to him, happier, connected and in harmony with the universe he has created. This has been a process for me, and one I still wrestle with. I thank those who have encouraged me to live into freedom, encouraged me to be myself, encouraged me that this is all God wants. I hope that I'm always honest with myself, and don't seek to not be driven by fear. So what does this mean about my problem of putting out adds and then freaking out. I think it means more that the freak is a lie, rather than the desire to have fun. God help me to dare to live into your freedom.