Saturday, May 7, 2016

This, then That

It flows in and out, I cannot control it.  It eludes me.  Think I have it cornered, have the jump on it, then it veers, doges, jumps, squirms.  Gone.  Once, I thought I had the secret, I heard it from without, took it within, ran with the whole of it.  Thought I was making ground, thought I had gained a foothold, ran and raced.  Shipwrecked.  Gone.  I saw my plight as just a game, thought through, but in endless circles, in the dark.  April 1st, 06, was on a run, turned into a rampage.  I mustered up my best intent, dressed for the occasion, shined up my shoes, turned in my sin, saw the golden shrine and ran for it.  The math made sense, it all added up.  The deductions were true.  It looked good, at first.  The journey started with a boom, but then a weight came out of nowhere.  Started to nag at my soul.  Quietly at first.  Then emeshed into my consciousness, only to become all the more weightier.  Then sank in the frightening thought that despite my best intent, I may have been running on my own.  A valiant effort, but misaimed, but uninformed, but ultimately from me, again.  The ground I was trying to make up was only sinking sand.

Who will save me from this body of death.  I'm tossed back and forth with the waves, try to hard to not try hard.  A hard realization.  My mind working again.  I've paid too much attention to the fixing, too much attention to the endless tweaking, the fidgeting.  The harder I try, the deeper I go.

This time, I demand something new.  It seems my introspection has failed me.  This time I look to the light coming through the cracks of the door.  What might be out there I wonder, but the light seeping through the cracks seems to be enough for now.  Its nature is different.  It doesn't shift this way and that, even in subtle ways.  It seems steady.  Slower.  It's subtle nature intrigues me.  Odd, I think.  Without my awareness, my mind slows ever so slowly to match the pace of the odd light.  The anxiety in my body seems to fall from the front of my mind, seeps down into my body, and some seems to seep even all the way out of my feet.  Slowly, my awareness catches up with phenomenon, I realize my body and mind have slowed.  That they are more in tune with each other, and in some way in tune with the light coming through the cracks in the door. The light, has it grown brighter?  Or stronger?  My awareness goes off of me and back to the light.  I swear there is more light now.  Have the cracks grown?  Has the source of light on the other side of the door grown brighter?  But the questions don't seem to matter, what matters is the mesmerization.  It feels good to just give way. It feels to just succeed to it.  My awareness doesn't fight for first place, it finally comes to rest.

My heart is liberated and yet home.  The endless introspection kept me from the light, however the light has caused productive introspection in its wake, but this time guided by the light.  The darkness becomes less and less scary to me, further and further from me.  I'm not sure what the future holds, all I know is that I must continue to give way to the light, which I will call love, and let it take me deeper and deeper into its endless mystery.  I get the sense that I'll never fully land, but this becomes a joy.  Why would I want to land when there is endless mystery to comb out?  And this sense will soon become just a memory too, part of the journey deeper into love.

Father, open my eyes to receive from you.
Father, let me heart be in your love.
Father, never let me be separate from you.
Father, help me to fall in love with you over and over.
Father, may I treat people here with some of the love that you have treated me with.
Father, let me be intimate with you.
Father, speak into the deepest parts of who I am.
Father, with the ground of my being, where I start, let me say to you a resounding "yes."

Always "yes."

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